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This Cinderella for the 21st century is every bit as predictable as you think it is — save your $10 and run the scenario through in your head, and you’ll probably come up with something more entertaining that what’s on the screen here, or least one that’s easier on your wallet.
Alien Abduction Weblog 12.02.02 Episode 1: “Beyond the Sky” directed by Tobe Hooper Okay, creepy. Confusing, but creepy. It’s a bit hard to keep all the military guys with buzz cuts separate in my head, but I suspect they’re going to differentiate themselves very nicely in future episodes. There’s Captain Owen Crawford (Joel Gretsch: The … more…
Of the “curmudgeonly old woman learns the True Meaning of Life from an adorable child” variety, predictably stickily sentimental, and worse: It’s set, shockingly, in a fantasy retro American South in which rich old women play mah-jongg and sip mint-flavored iced tea while cheerful black servants work the plantation and dish out deep philosophy, and … more…
An extraordinary assemblage of filmmaking no-nos congeals into a movie that’s not as bad as it deserves to be, but one nowhere near entertaining, either. First-time writer/director Franc Reyes’s tale of a South Bronx drug dealer (John Leguizamo: Ice Age) who wants out is all clichéd plot twists, slo-mo gunplay, and a nonstop, distancing voiceover … more…
Half the people in North America have family stories like the one depicted in *The War Bride*: The grandparent who immigrated, leaving everything and everyone he or she knew behind. Often it’s not a family story that gets told beyond the broad strokes — no one wants to rehash hard, unhappy times; no one wants to recall memories they’ve tried hard to forget. And so the grandchildren only know that Grandma with her funny accent doesn’t like to talk about the old days, and extraordinary tales of emotional and physical journeys are lost forever.
When actors have only their own amusement in mind, it’s sometimes still amusing for us to eavesdrop on their fun. Watching Billy Crystal trying to crack up Robert DeNiro — and DeNiro just about letting him do it — is only sporadically diverting in Analyze That because that’s just about all they’re interesting in doing. … more…
I should probably watch Being John Malkovich again before I try to write this. I’ve got the DVD here somewhere. It’s vitally important that I watch BJM again right now. I could just put it on for a while. I could write while I’m watching it. I can do that.
For a movie about bad dreams, bad nights, and the bad things that can happen when you fall asleep, this is an awful snooze. As small children, Julia, Sam, and Terry (as portrayed by a bland crew of twentysomethings) suffered from powerful night terrors, the vivid and terrifying nightmares many kids endure. Now, though, as … more…
Oh, it’s extreme, all right. Extremely dumb. Extremely confusing. Extremely boring. A group of extremely unappealing filmmakers and extremely self-absorbed X Games rejects — led by the extremely unengaging Rufus Sewell (Bless the Child) and the extremely annoying Devon Sawa — head into the Swiss Alps to film a TV commercial for a product we … more…
Can you believe it? They made a movie out of that insanely inane song. And when I say “they,” I mean the insidious They: our overlords in the military- industrial- entertainment complex, offering us some (supposedly) feel-good pabulum about downsizing, about trading in the corporate fast-track to teach elementary school, about the nobility of the struggling working class, about how we should all be grateful we’re together this Christmas and no one’s dying of congestive heart failure.
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