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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

sign of the apocalypse No. 54,531,097

Vampires Suck had earned $19,809,739 from its opening day last Wednesday through the end of Monday. When Tuesday’s box office comes in, it will easily have passed $20 million… which is how much it cost to produce.

But here’s the really scary apocalyptic thing: Somewhere in Hollywood, people are congratulating one another over this movie.

I hereby go on record as predicting that the inevitable sequel — Vampires Suck: New Moon — will feature, on its poster, some jerk shaking his barely disguised naked ass in our faces.



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  • Keith

    Wouldn’t they more likely call that one Vampires Suck: Full Moon? Wonder what “crack” team of writers it will have, hehe.

  • Dani

    Nah, it’ll “Blue Moon,” with some guy painted up like the Na’vi. Nothing like too many pop culture references, right?

    …right?

  • Todd

    …and I continue to weep…

  • Todd

    Sorry for the second post. In the immortal words of Harlan Ellison, “the two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”

  • The worst part about Vampire Sucks is that the Twilight franchise is SO VERY RIPE for really hilarious parody/satire, but they lob the ball so low it’s rollin’.

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