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cultural vandal | by maryann johanson

‘Crash’ Oscar win proof of cinemastrology’s influence?

My secret informer deep inside the Hollywood entertainment-industrial complex pleads with me to pass this on:

I see how people are desperate for an explanation of how “Crash” could win Best Picture the other night. But it’s only everyone who doesn’t know what kind of grip cinemastrology has on this damn town who don’t get it. There’s a sonnet deep inside volume 8 of Filamadamus’s “Sopra Il Linea” that contains what a lot of these crazy idiots interpreted as a prophecy about “Crash” winning over “Brokeback,” and they decided it was their job to make sure it happened! This is part of it:

The sweet cream of daily cow suspends in my mug
Black and white blends and swirls to attract
And conspire to ensure my devotion to this drug
From which no sweet mountain pass or shepherd gay could detract

It’s fucking insane!

(If you’ve been following the cinemastrology story as it unfolds here at FlickFilosopher.com, then you know that Filamadamus’s predictions were often couched in sonnets about coffee, cheese, and other mundane pleasures of his everyday life.)

And my correspondent insists that a devotion to cinemastrology is what drove Sean Young to crash the Vanity Fair after-party on Sunday night:

Look, Sean’s sign is il gnocchi avanzi — you can see how she embraces being a “leftover potato dumpling” in her outfit for that night. Ridiculous! Who else but an gnocchi avanzi turns up at an Oscar party looking like she’s there to interview for the receptionist job at a car dealership? And Defamer got it wrong: Sean *was* bounced the first time she tried to get in, and the second time, too. But her third try was successful. Would she have kept on if her cinemascope last week hadn’t said ‘Three attempts at least, or four, will be required for another endeavor’? No way!

(All of last week’s cinemascopes are here. This week’s will be posted ASAP today.)

Again, I make no claims to the accuracy of anything my informer is telling me, except that it all has the ring of truth to it.

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One Comment

  1. How can I determine my own personal cinemastrological sign? Or is such only revealed after a secret initiation ceremony into the cult of cinemastrology?

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