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precarious since 1997 | by maryann johanson

Golden Globes “Winners Special” makes me wanna poke my eyes out

How about that Golden Globes Winners Special? Wasn’t it special? Wasn’t it exciting? Why, it had all the glitz and glamour of the Golden Globes without any of the mess of the glitz and glamour!

From now on, whenever anyone complains that awards shows are dull, we must sit them down and force them to rewatch this excruciating exercise in pretending things aren’t as troubled in the big Hollywood family as the ongoing strife of the WGA strike would suggest. Look! Over there! It’s Keira Knightley in gorgeous green… in that movie she’s in! Look! Over here! It’s George Clooney looking sharp… in that movie he’s in! Hey! Come check out this blurry clip from that one TV show with those people we really really like! Wow! Ain’t Hollywood grand?!
Seriously, who is this Billy Bush guy, and can we please have an act of Congress or maybe a UN resolution to keep him from ever leaving his house again? David Duchovny wins Best Actor in a comedy TV series, and Bush’s response is to insist that Californication isn’t actually a comedy, it’s just really cool? Marion Cotillard wins Best Actress in a comedy or musical movie, and he banters back about how it’s kinda funny that La Vie en Rose isn’t actually a comedy or a musical but a drama with music and that’s okay cuz hey, we just think she’s supergreat and wanted to give her an award? I can’t believe I’m defending the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the biggest bunch of starfuckers after the National Board of Review, but come on: at least pretend to grant them the integrity of their own awards categories. I mean, if we’re going to buy into all this nonsense at all.

And wasn’t it the both of them — Bush and the scary plastic girl with the orange arms that were either way overly fake-tanned or horrendously poorly lit — who suggested that Katherine Heigl really should have won, honestly, because it’s her year, what with how wonderful Knocked Up (for which she was not nominated) was getting married and all? Man, way to disappoint a girl, Hollywood Foreign Press meanies!

The entire hour just proved how pretty entertaining ordinary awards shows are, and how desperately we need the writers back. God forbid the Oscars looks like this.

The complete list of nominees and winners is here.

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