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cultural vandal | by maryann johanson

daily list: 7 ways to make next year’s Oscars not the lowest rated ever

Sunday’s Academy Awards ceremony made history: by garnering the fewest viewers ever for an Oscars telecast. Apparently there are many different reasons why no one gave a crap this year: not enough of the nominated movies appealed to women, and even though the nominees were mostly “guy” movies, guys didn’t want to see them either; damn foreign Europeans with funny accents won all the acting awards; and Miley Cyrus didn’t appear on the Oscar telecast till after the bedtimes of her tween fans. That’s right: it’s all Hannah Montana’s fault.

But strategies are afoot to ensure that this same disaster does not befall the Oscars ceremony next year. Here’s what the masters of Hollywood are proposing:
1. All movies henceforth will be required to show a “woman’s touch.” This may manifest itself in pretty vases of flowers placed around the movie, a pleasant aroma of baking cookies emanating from the screen, or the movie coming over to your house and picking up the dirty clothes you left laying all over the bathroom again.

2. Oprah will host. All audience members at the Kodak Theater will find Oscars under their seats.

3. All non-American nominees will henceforth be denied visas to enter the U.S. to attend the Oscars unless they sign a binding agreement to refuse their statuettes, should they win, and immediately cede the win to the nominee with the most American-sounding name.

4. New category: Best Peformance by a Damn Foreigner Pretending to be a Decent American. (Note: the caveats of No. 3 still hold — no damn foreigner may actually win in this category.)

5. There will be mandatory nominations in all major categories every year for a movie from one of the following filmmakers: Michael Bay, John Woo, Tony Scott, Quentin Tarantino, Brett Ratner, or Roland Emmerich.

6. New categories: Best Explosions, Best Swearing (Adapted from Actual Cursewords), Best Swearing (Invented), Best Naked Boobs.

7. The cast of High School Musical will perform all original-song nominees, all before 9pm.

8. There will be mandatory nominations for any film breaking $150 million at the box office.

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