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maryann johanson | #BlackLivesMatter

the frakking ‘Battlestar Galactica’ premiere: what the frak?

Just an FYI: I’m gonna be blogging about every last damn episode of Battlestar Galactica as it counts down to the end and — as had better happen — Earth is found, and starting with the second episode, it’ll be like my usual TV blogging, full of spoilers and assuming you’ve already seen the episode, too. But I can’t do that with the season premiere, because of course you haven’t yet seen the episode — it debuts on Sci Fi at 10pm Eastern Friday, April 4, though you’ll be able to watch it earlier in the day streaming at SciFi.com. And because I basically had to sign a contract in blood with Sci Fi, in exchange for the chance to see the season premiere before it airs, saying that I wouldn’t spoil anything or else Cylons will hunt me down and kill me.
That could be cool, though, if it was the last unknown Cylon who hunted me down, cuz then I’d know who it was before anyone else. My dying words could be: “Hey, so it’s you…!”

“He That Believeth in Me,” the episode you’ll see on Friday, opens with these words: “Twelve Cylon models… Seven are known… Four live in secret… One will be revealed.” It’s kinda just like waiting to find out who the Oceanic Six were, only with toasters.

So, Starbuck is back, and tells everyone she has been to Earth, and everyone is freaking out, as you might imagine. They’re thinking maybe she’s a Cylon — there’s definitely some frakking weird crap up with her that I won’t tell you about, but it’s weirder than the weird crap we’ve already seen from Starbuck, like how she’s been drawing that mandala/nebula thing since she was a kid. And how is so mean to nice sweet cute Sam. We see some of that meanness here, too.

Oh, poor Sam! Sam is worried about the Cylon switch in his head flipping on — he’s even more adorable when he’s worried — and not too much later he gets a little bit of confirmation about his worries, and it’s a genuinely terrifying moment. There’s a couple of genuinely terrifying moments here, where it feels like some sort of switch might be going off on the show, making it turn into a whole new direction. They’re frakking with our brains, the BSG folks. Frak.

Also, Gaius is apparently Jesus now. Seriously. He has a little cult of followers, and he starts spouting Six’s religious stuff about “there is only one god.” He even looks like Jesus with his long hair and scraggly beard, and what’s this? Is there more to Gaius…? Oh, but I can’t tell you. Anyway, so Six is the Holy Ghost or something, I guess. Scary frakkin’ stuff, eh?

You want funny? Wait for Tigh to snark about the uselessness of Baltar’s Cylon-detector test. Oh, the loneliness of the secret sleeper Cylon.

The last few seconds of the episode are pretty frakkin’ dramatic. I won’t say it’s a cliffhanger. But yeah, okay, it’s a cliffhanger.

(next: “Six of One”)

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