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maryann johanson | watching movies at home

daily list: 5 more horrific adventures in ugly obnoxiousness for Harold and Kumar

I swear to Christ, if I didn’t know better, I’d have thought that a movie with a title like Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay had to be a laugh-till-you-cry joke out of The Onion, or maybe a bit of snarking against stupid from Idiocracy. Turns out it’s a real movie… one that people were willing to throw $14 million at this weekend. Cuz there’s nothing better, I guess, than having a bit of fun at the expense of the long lost Constitution — who needs civil rights and human decency when we’ve got secret prisons and endless imprisonment without trial? It’s the new American way!

But why stop there? If the gloves have come off, then so be it. Take this, bitches:
1. Harold and Kumar Visit Dachau: It’s nonstop fun as the lads get thrown into the gas chambers — watch out, those tiles are slippery with the blood of the dead! — and later narrowly escape from a firing squad by cowering behind the corpses of women and children.

2. Harold and Kumar Go Waterboarding: Whoever said simulated drowing ain’t a day at the beach hasn’t spent a day at the beach with these guys!

3. Harold and Kumar Trash the EPA: A crazy blunder at the White House puts the beloved idiots in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency, and they just watch how much damage they can do when they actually put their minds to something! We don’t want to spoil the big twist, but let’s just say, You didn’t really like Florida, did you?

4. Harold and Kumar Invade Iran: A mixup at the airport sees our heroes getting on the wrong plane… and it’s a flight to wacky comedy when they land in Tehran. Watch as they bring American-style “diplomacy” to the Middle East as only two overprivileged overgrown frat boys can do!

5. Harold and Kumar Buy a Hummer: Who needs double-digit MPGs when you’ve got Harold and Kumar along for the ride? It’s over hill and dale — ripped them up in the process with those enormous tires! — with the boys as they burn up the world’s last drops of oil. Watch for the sequel, Harold and Kumar Buy a Hummer Hybrid, in which they pretend that eight miles to the gallon instead of four is striking a blow against global warming!

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