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precarious since 1997 | by maryann johanson

daily list: 9 reasons why ‘Narnia’ will never be as cool as ‘Lord of the Rings’

Oh my god! Guillermo del Toro is going to direct The Hobbit! Which means we only have to wait a couple of years till we get more Lord of the Rings. I’m starting holding my breath… now!

Oh, okay, in the meantime, we’ve got some Tolkienesque knockoffs to keep us busy. Like the new Chronicles of Narnia flick, Prince Caspian, opening May 16. Sure, I’ll be there for it. But it won’t be like visiting the Shire again. How could it be? Here, nine reasons to rule them all why Lord of the Rings will always rock, and Narnia not so much:
1. Lord of the Rings = Old Testament = vicious deities, exciting plagues and turmoil, rains of fire, etc. Narnia = New Testament = hippie lovefest, turning the other cheek, etc. (What works in real life doesn’t always make for kickass fantasy action.)

2. There’s no way in hell someone as cool as Guillermo del Toro would agree to direct The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I mean, unless he could get Lucy Pevensie eaten by a troll or pushed down a well or something horrible like that.

3. Prince Caspian/Peter Pevensie slash fan fiction is kinda dull compared to Legolas/Gimli slash. (Although Peter/Legolas crossover slash could would be a totally blond-boy orgy…)

4. Hearty hobbit grub of mushroom pies and mugs of ale way better than enchanted Turkish delight — what the hell is that stuff, anyway?

5. Even Pippin could take Mr. Tumnus in a bare-knuckle brawl.

6. Huge dearth in Narnia of evil fiery volcanoes.

7. Peter Pevensie nowhere near as sexy as actual king as Aragorn is moping about not being king.

8. Giant masked demigod in black robes versus pretty white ice queen? What do you think?

9. Narnia is just a made-up place invented by an imaginative author. Middle-Earth is real. Everyone knows that.

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