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rare female film critic | by maryann johanson

daily list: 5 reasons why there are no girls in the movies

New York Times film critic Manohla Dargis wants to know, Where are all the chicks at the multiplex this summer?:

Nowhere is our irrelevance more starkly apparent than during the summer, the ultimate boys’ club. Over the next few months the screens will reverberate with the romping-stomping of comic book titans like Iron Man and the Hulk. The sexagenarian Harrison Ford will be cracking his Indy whip (some old men get a pass, after all, especially when Steven Spielberg is on board) alongside the fast-talking sprout from “Transformers.” Hellboy will relock and load, tongue and cigar planted in cheek. Action heroes like Will Smith, Brendan Fraser, Nicolas Cage, Mark Wahlberg and Vin Diesel will run amok, as will funny guys like Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Will Ferrell, Mike Myers, Steve Carell, Jack Black and Seth Rogen.

Go read the whole thing: it’s brilliant, and she’s spot on. But it makes me want to hug her and say, “Honey, be realistic. Everyone knows boys rool and girls drool. Now let’s go get our nails done and maybe have a cosmpolitan, and you’ll feel so much better.” And over that drink I’d remind her of these basic facts of life:
1. Girls have cooties. Cooties muck up the delicate technology used to make movies these days by getting into the mechanisms of digital cameras and clogging up the fans of the supercomputers that create the special FX we all love. We simply cannot risk letting girls get too close to the process.

2. Girls have vaginas. The only way we humans have evolved to tell who’s the baddest badass is via the penis. How would we know who to cheer onscreen if the characters didn’t have dicks to be swung around and brandished like weapons?

3. Girls feel things. Icky things like emotions. Imagine if everyone was exposed to that. We’d all have to start screaming at the horrors of the world around us, like the global war on terror and the melting Arctic and Britney Spears, instead of being able to take it all like, you know, a man, and keep quiet and give ourselves sublimated-stress heart attacks over it.

4. Girls don’t like movies anyway. It’s mostly boys who go to the movies, so why would Hollywood make movies for girls if they can’t even be bothered to go out to the multiplex once in a while?

5. Girls are much better on the small screen anyway. You want a quick wham-bang-thank-you-ma’am? Go to the movies, and the guys are done with you before you even know it’s started. You want a slow-motion orgy of coolness, kick-ass-ness, and, like, awesome girl-ness (which isn’t just about catching men or having babies or getting their nails done) that lasts for an entire TV season, or longer? Turn to Starbuck and Athena and Six and Roslin on Battlestar Galactica, Grace on Saving Grace, Rose and Martha and Donna on Doctor Who, Olivia on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, Beth on Moonlight, Samantha on Stargate Atlantis, Alison on Medium, Dahlia on The Riches, Kate and Sun and Juliet on Lost, Patty and Ellen on Damages, Allison and Zoe and Jo on Eureka, Lisa on The Simpsons, Fiona on Burn Notice… Do I need to go on?

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