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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

the oh-no! DVD of the week: ‘The Strawberry Shortcake Movie: Sky’s the Limit’

The pink! It burns!

Life is berry sweet in Berry Bitty City where Strawberry runs the Berry Cafe. But a sudden storm leaves Berry Bitty City with a gigantic problem. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends will have to move their whole tiny town unless they find a way to safely remove a huge boulder that threatens everything they hold dear. The storytelling Mr. Longface Caterpillar says he has an easy solution. Strawberry reluctantly agrees to follow him in an adventure-filled journey in search of his fabled Geyser Stone. When that journey ends in failure, Strawberry loses faith in herself. Can her friends restore her “Sky’s the Limit” attitude to help lead them to save the town?

I predict that Strawberry, despondent and suicidal after her failure, descends into a death spiral of heroin abuse and random sex with dangerous strangers and washes up comatose in a urine-soaked alleyway in Berry Bitty City’s pink-light district.

The Strawberry Shortcake Movie: Sky’s the Limit also introduces the magical Berrykins, mischievous little creatures who grow and harvest berries from the nearby strawberry fields.

Also, the Berrykins run the Delicious Fluffernutter and Jam Rehab Center, where Strawberry cleans up in time for The Strawberry Shortcake Movie II: Strawberry Interrupted.



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