Supposedly, 29-year-old Justin Halpern recently moved back in with his parents, and has been tweeting the “wisdom” of his 73-year-old father at shitmydadsays. Sometimes his father says things that are mildly amusing, such as:
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”
Sometimes he says things that are depressing but observant:
“I’m sitting in one of those TGI Friday’s places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth.”
Mostly, Dad says a lot of things that involve feces — the “shit” is apparently not metaphoric — or sexist in an Archie Bunker way that may have been hilarious and pointed in the 1970s but doesn’t really work in that way today:
“If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
“Don’t listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son.”
“When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot.”
“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”
Now, according to The Live Feed, the tweets have been picked up as a TV show:
“Will & Grace” creators David Kohan and Max Mutchnick are on board to executive produce and supervise the writing for the multicamera family comedy, which Halpern will co-pen with Patrick Schumacker. Halpern and Schumacker will also co-exec produce the Warner Bros. TV-produced project, which has received a script commitment.
The comedy’s title will change if it gets on the air.
No shit, the title will change. Oh, look: I swore. Can I get my TV deal now?
As of this writing, Halpern has posted only 73 tweets. How any of this is the basis for anything other than, maybe, a scatologically little gift book of old-fart humor — and yes, last month Harper Collins acquired it for a book — is beyond me. What’s that? A living-room sitcom with a cantankerous old man at the center? Yeah, that’s original.
I’m ready to believe that Halpern isn’t making the whole thing up, actually, though whether he is or not, this shit his dad said is spot-on:
“Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it.”
There’s the key to Hollywood success these days: Don’t work hard. Don’t create anything smart or clever or original. Just take some of the same old shit and post it on Twitter.