2007 theatrical releases

Kevin Bacon’s got one of each — scythe and machete — in his garage in *Death Sentence.* He’s a white-shirt-wearing, window-office-occupying corporate cog at an insurance company. Surely the biggest danger he is in would be from, you know, paper cuts on the risk-analysis reports he handles on a daily basis. Right? How did he know to have such deadly tools at the ready?

Funnily enough, though — and it’s the only thing funny about this dreadful excuse for a comedy — the movie itself has tiny balls. It’s got no nerve, no guts, no daring… no balls.

*War* denies us the simple, brainless pleasure of watching these two guys get Oriental on each other’s asses. It’s like someone made *Gamera vs. Mothra* and, oops, forgot to give us two guys in rubber suits battling to the death.

Can you say “overwrought,” boys and girls? I knew you could.

It’s not exactly the stuff that feel-good movies are made of — it’s the stuff that hey-chew-on-*this* movies are made of.

Out of the depths of the cheesy cinematic realms of the 1960s comes the, ahem, “real” backstory of King Arthur and his legendary sword, Excalibur.