2007 theatrical releases

“I’m so afraid I’m gonna fall asleep,” Nicole Kidman says, as if she were reading my mind, for I was thinking at that exact moment, “I think this movie is gonna put me to sleep.” Weird, huh?

This ain’t bread-and-circuses infotainment intended to distract us from the very real, very dangerous problems we face as a society. It’s exactly the opposite, and absolutely terrifying. “Not only is it the 11th hour,” states one of the numerous and impressively credential experts here, “it’s 11:59 and 59 seconds.”

I wish I could be more enthusiastic about *Stardust.* I like it just fine. But it’s not the next *Princess Bride.*

Can you understand the words that are comin’ outta my mouth? This is racist, bullying garbage.

A vague, disjointed daydream passing for a film…

An excruiciating stew of kindergarten-level toilet humor and absurd (and false) sentimentality…

A masterpiece of breathless relentlessness, of spectacular yet lean-and-mean setpieces uncluttered by superfluous digressions or tangents…

The wisdom of that modern philosopher David St. Hubbins has never been so apropos as it is here: There really is a fine line between clever and stupid…

Honestly, the best thing you can do is go rent *Mostly Martha,* the 2002 German film this Hollywood remake is based very, very closely on. But if you really can’t stand to read subtitles, then this is your next best bet.