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cultural vandal | by maryann johanson

new ‘X-Files’ movie next summer?

David Duchovny has been out and about promoting his new Showtime series Californication, debuting next month, which will, apparently, give viewers a completely unMulderesque Duchovny, one that may disturb fans who see him only as the snarky, dour FBI agent. Perhaps that’s why, along the way, the actor has been letting on that we may get a new X-Files movie for the summer of 2008. Dark Horizons and Cinematical both report that the movie will be a one-off story, independent from the intricate plotlines of the TV series.

With that in mind, I have a few suggestions for X-Files honcho Chris Carter for some mysterious doings Mulder and Scully — yes, Gillian Anderson will be back, too — could investigate:
• the recent spate of alien invasions of London at Christmastime

• the conspiracy among the military-industrial-entertainment complex that keeps Paris Hilton in the news: is she really a psyops weapon to keep America distracted from global warming, the price of milk, and the reign of cyborg Dick Cheney?

LEGO Star Wars: why? who benefits? are cube-shaped aliens behind it?

• is the iPhone reverse-engineered from UFOs?

• Lindsay Lohan: partybot from the future?

• is Obama girl a project of the CIA to soften us up for the arrival of Britney Spears, Republican candidate for presiment?

• will the world end when the last human reads the last word of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows?

These are the mysteries that only Mulder and Scully can unravel for us.

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