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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

opening this week: ‘Balls of Fury,’ ‘Death Sentence,’ the gazillioneth ‘Halloween’ movie

Balls of Fury
Remember that bit in Forrest Gump where he plays a lot of ping pong? Someone saw that while stoned and thought it was waaaay more hilarious than it actually was. Then he got more stoned and wrote this.
(now playing; my review is here)

Death Sentence
The director of Saw forces Kevin Bacon to morph from a gentle family man into a shaved-head, homicidal vengeance machine. Warning! No one will be admitted during the tender car-falling-off-a-multistory-parking-lot scene.
(opens tomorrow; screening for critics tonight, at the very last minute; watch for my review tomorrow)

Halloween
Metal maniac Rob Zombie remakes the classic 70s horror flick about masked mass slaughterer Mike Myers. John Carpenter and Jamie Lee Curtis are rolling in their graves. Oh, wait: they’re not dead. Well, they’re gonna wish they were.
(opens tomorrow; wasn’t screened for critics, and I’ve got no interest in it, so I’m skipping it)



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