Resident Evil: Extinction
Zombies want to eat your brain. Or something. And Milla Jovovich will kill them for you. But they don’t stay dead: they keep coming back in endless sequels. Someone kill me, please. (Not screened for critics, but I’m seeing this on Friday afternoon; if you don’t hear from me, call out the National Guard.)
Good Luck Chuck
Dane Cook is cursed. Every girl he sleeps with finds the man of her dreams: in the next guy she meets. I find this scenario highly implausible. Who would go to bed with Dane Cook? (This one WAS screened for critics, but I prefered to see that Jesse James movie, which was screening at the same time. But I’ll see this on Friday, too, unless the zombie movie fries my brain too much; then I’ll see this on Saturday. The things I subject myself to for you people…)
Sydney White
College comedy reaches a new low: Amanda Bynes is a modern Snow White who gathers together a band of dorks — ha ha, like dwarves; get it? — to strike back at the popular kids. I so wish I were making this up. (Was screened for critics, but I was, by the grace of whatever gods there may be, out of town on that day.)
Eastern Promises
Aragorn of the Dunedain joins the Russian mob, gets tattooed, terrorizes London. Sample headline: “Brutal Hobbit Massacre in East End; Police Question Man Claiming to Be King.” (my review is here)
You subject yourself to the horrors of bad film in the off-chance you meet a guy and two robots snarking it up in the front row.