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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

daily list: 10 reasons why no one is going to the movies

Okay, it’s not that absolutely no one is going to the movies — it’s just that a lot of people do seem to be avoiding the multiplex lately. And you can’t say that it’s because the movies are mostly crap. The movies are always mostly crap — this same time last year saw a huge hit in Wild Hogs, which is as big a piece of shit as any to get vomited out of the studios.

So why aren’t people going to the movies? Here are the top reasons offered in the quick person-in-the-street interviews I conducted this morning:
1. Too worried about Britney Spears’ poor adorable little boys to get out of bed.

2. Raiding kids’ piggy banks for gas money has blown all the discretionary funds.

3. Are you kidding? The new Fox reality hit Who Wants to Reveal Their Innermost Terrors and Anxieties and Make an Utter Shamefaced Fool of Oneself for Not All That Much Money Half of Which Will Go to Taxes Anyway satisfies all my entertainment needs.

4. Still jetlagged from the switch to Daylight Savings Time.

5. New secret drug in drinking water — a project of the TV networks — reduces desire to see movies except on the tube, plus resultant four-hour-plus erection means it’s too embarrassing to leave the house.

6. Laid low by Obama fever.

7. Busy buying baby prezzies for J. Lo.

8. Afraid of catching Teh Gay from Hollyweird.

9. Heard too many movies these days are “subprime” and was afraid watching them would make mortgage reset again.

10. Realphabetizing canned-food collection in preparation for the upcoming collapse of human civilization.

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