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maryann johanson, free spinster

should we demand better popcorn at the movies?

Den of Geek!, a British blog, asks the important question: “Would banning popcorn make cinemas better?” And then it quickly answers the question with a hearty, “No, don’t be so ridiculous.” But apparently some people in the U.K. think this could be a good idea. Like movie-theater owner Daniel Broch, who believes that popcorn doesn’t “[fit] with the culturally sophisticated brand I wish to sell.” The name of his theater? The “Everyman” cinema. Hilarious.
It might be a good idea, though, to ban factory-made popcorn and artificial “golden topping. For snob appeal, what could beat organically grown, popped-on-the-spot popcorn smothered in actual, genuine melted butter handchurned from milk lovingly drawn by hand from small-farm-raised cows who haven’t been treated with hormones? Oh, and it could be accompanied by organic sodas — no high-fructose corn syrup! — and wines from independent vineyards and beers from microbreweries. And all of it could be sold at reasonable markups that ensure the theater owners a realistic but not exhorbitant profit.

And then we can ask that multiplexes install electronic dampeners that prevent people from making cell-phone calls and texting from their PDAs. And then, the atmosphere will become so pleasant that parents will spontaneously stop bringing squalling infants with them to the movies, and everyone will be able to hold off going to the bathroom in the middle of the movie, and no one will ever again blurt out loud during a tense and dramatic scene: “Oh, look, Martha, he’s got a gun!”

And then people will start being nice to one another for no reason at all, even outside the movies, and reality TV will implode and China will withdraw from Tibet and America from Iraq and solar energy will solve the peak-oil problem and reverse global warming, and there will be peace and prosperity all over the Earth.

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