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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

Jesus loves sexy, violent movies

Could there be hope for our culture after all? The CAP Movie Ministry is having to all but shut down because no one wants to send it money. You know the CAP Alert guy: he’s the one dude in Texas — Jesus moved him there! I’m totally getting Jesus to help me move next time! — who picks over movies on a second-by-second basis and details all the reasons he thinks they would make baby Jesus cry. Like Iron Man, which, the CAP Alert guy warns us, features “dressing to maximize the female form and/or skin exposure, repeatedly” (though doesn’t it also have women in burqas, too? shouldn’t that balance out the naughtiness?) and:

The viewer is exposed to a woman atop a man engaged in frantic making out while she, at least, is in her underwear plus she prancing around the morning after in only a shirt covering her underwear, implying overnight cohabitation for sex.

How he endures such torture is unknown. Perhaps the obsessive detailing of the torture helps.

Anyway, though, he doesn’t have to endure it much these days, because:

Until further notice, the only film analyses that will be performed are those for which adequate funds are available prior to beginning an analysis.

His reckoning of what constitues “adequate funds”:

An estimate of the time and travel (local only) costs, expenses and fees associated with only conducting an analysis of one film is $353.00. This figure includes a portion of life / health / medical / dental insurance, other living expenses and lesser office supplies but not equipment, vehicle and its insurance, hardware/software, phone, development, etc., nor the time for the level 2 and level 3 activities.

To be fair, that’s not a bad assessment of the effort that goes into a movie review. And if he could get his readers to support that, more power to him.

But, it seems, he can’t:

[A] few folks have told me it must be God’s Will that the CAP Ministry die else He would provide the necessary funding. Each time I prayed about that the signals I got were not that it is His Will but is the will of the people and their use of the freedom of choice He gave us: that no matter how much He sends, the ones though whom He sends it have a choice once it is in their hands. So, it is not God’s Will that the CAP Ministry die but the will of the more than 10,000,000 folks who have used our service but do not, for whatever reason, help us with the expenses. Almost every user who has children who has said anything to us has said great things about His Work through the CAP Ministry but when dollars come up …

See, it’s not God’s fault for not supplying the dough, it’s God’s fault for not making people care if movies are loaded with women in tight clothes swearing and killing people.

Rock me, sexy Jesus!



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