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cultural vandal | by maryann johanson

the world is saved! no, it’s not!

It’s one of those moments where you’re having a heart attack and getting the cure in the same moment. I would have keeled over to learn that Hollywood was contemplating a remake of the hideous sitcom Full House, which has been banned in 84 countries as a violation of human rights, except that this is how I learned of it:

“Full House Remake Reportedly Scrapped”

The reportedly gives me a bit of pause, but perhaps now there will be time for cooler heads to prevail and this weapon of Olsenist destruction to be removed from the table:

Actor John Stamos’ plans to reunite the cast of 90s U.S. sitcom Full House for a modern remake have reportedly been scrapped.

Former child star Candace Cameron Bure told Ok! magazine this month of Stamos’ plan to update the hit family sitcom for new audiences, much like the recently revived shows Bionic Woman, Knight Rider and Beverly Hills, 90210.

The “semi-remake” would centre around Cameron Bure and co-star Jodie Sweetin’s characters – who were the older sisters of Michelle Tanner, a role shared by Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

But a TV insider has told E! news Stamos is “no longer pitching” the idea – because he couldn’t drum up enough interest without the Olsen twins’ involvement.

The source says, “We couldn’t make the deal. It’s completely dead right now.”

Santa Claus came early this year.

On the other hand, the ongoing campaign by Hollywood to render itself irrelevant continues:

Twentieth Century Fox has optioned rights to “How to Talk to Girls,” a newly published advice guide written by Alec Greven, a 9-year-old expert on the subject.

The first of a four-book series, “How to Talk to Girls” was published Nov. 25 by HarperCollins, the publishing house that is a sister company to Fox. The film deal encompasses all four volumes.

The studio hasn’t set a writer yet or assigned a producer, but 20th production co-president Alex Young sparked to the story of Greven, who was 8 when he began writing the book as an assignment for his third-grade class, to help classmates break the ice with members of the opposite sex. The result was a pamphlet that sold at his school’s book fair for $3.

Hollywood is making a movie based on a book written by a third-grader.

All doubt that Hollywood has every intention of appealing to the lowest possible common denominator among people who can express the slightest bit of individual volition was laid to rest in a pauper’s grave at Desert Lawn Memorial Park in Palmdale, California. The Los Angeles country coroner was unavailable for comment. The family requests donations be made in the memory of movies for grownups.

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