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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

quick list: five reasons for dismissing a film review that don’t cut it

I don’t expect everyone to agree with my opinions on films, and I welcome pushback from readers about my reviews. But if you want to not be treated like a complete fucking moron when engaging me in critical debate over a film, I do expect certain level of not-being-a-complete-fucking-moron from your comments. So it’s probably best to avoid saying such things as:
“It’s not for you.”
Is the movie looking at me? Cuz I don’t see anyone else here behind my eyeballs that the movie is getting beamed at. Maybe the movie meant to look at someone else, but right now, it’s looking at me.

“It’s not supposed to be an Oscar winner.”
That might work if the Immutable Laws of Movie Goodness required that only Oscar winners be any good. But they don’t.

“You’d get it if only you’d read the graphic novel/played the video game.”
Movies are not sekret clubhus for an initiated elite. If passwords and decoder rings are not included in the admission price, I deserve to ask for my money back.

“You’d get it if you could just turn your brain off and relax.”
You turned your brain off? That explains a lot. Thanks for letting us know. Now go away and come back when your brain is working again.

“Why don’t you just get laid, you ugly old feminazi hag.”
This one has a basis in biological fact, actually: When a female is getting properly fucked to the degree that the commenter believes a female should be getting properly fucked, her brain goes into automatic shutdown, and her capacity for critical thinking is eliminated. That doesn’t mean that any critical thinking a female who is not getting properly fucked to the degree that the commenter believes a female should be getting properly fucked is doing is invalid, but a proper level of fucking shuts the bitch up and allows the commenter to pretend that he’s right about everything. Which is why I’m laughing at you and your tiny cerebrum.



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