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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

Game of Thrones S04 E07: “Mockingbird” (a million ways to die in Westeros)

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(previous: “The Laws of Gods and Men”)

Someone on Twitter called this episode “A Million Ways to Die in Westeros.” I wish I’d thought of that. Cuz it’s perfect. So I’m stealing it.

You can be killed as an act of mercy as a surprisingly “kindness” by one of the most vicious men in all the lands. You can be killed as an act of vengeance by a little girl with a little sword. You can be killed by this guy:

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just for “volunteering” to be his exercise sparring partner. You can be killed by getting thrown out a window in the floor of a castle thousands of feet above a rocky precipice by your own husband, whom you would have known not to trust if you hadn’t been so delusional about him:

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And those are only the actual deaths in this episode. Then there are all the future deaths very likely being set in motion by stuff that happened here. You might be killed by failing to heed Jon Snow (who might, in fact, know a thing or two) when he warns about the unstoppable force heading directly at the Wall you’re supposed to be guarding. You might die because you (or your mother) believed the seductive flattery of a witch when she told you (or your mother) that you (or your mother) were too sophisticated to require lies and tricks and potions and such

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to see the “truth” about things, like how you need to get on that warship that’s leaving soon.

This guy

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is almost certainly going to get himself killed doing something grand and violent that he believes will impress Daenerys.

The Hound could very well die from an infection caused by that human bite on his neck that he refused to let Arya sterilize with fire. That would be a fairly ignominious end for him.

I don’t see how Oberyn, as Tyrion’s champion, is not going to be killed by Cersei’s Mountain of a champion.

I don’t see how Tyrion is not going to kill Cersei after hearing that horrific story that Oberyn told about “meeting” Tyrion when he was a baby, and how cruel Cersei was to him. (If you were not already convinced that Peter Dinklage is a god, the reactions on his face in that scene should do the trick.)

I would fear that both Baelish and that psychotic little monster Robin Arryn will never die, but I figure one of them is gonna have to kill the other — I really was hoping it would be Robin who would “fly” in this episode — and soon.

Oh! And you might just die — if only metaphorically — of culinary boredom if you “gave up on the gravy.”

(next: “The Mountain and the Viper”)


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