Reader Danielm80 has updated his film comment bingo card — sourced from only the finest trolls here at FlickFilosopher.com — for 2017. Behold!
Thanks, Daniel!
(Click here for a slightly larger version.)
PREVIOUS: 02.19.15
I’ve been meaning to get around to creating one of these forever, but reader Danielm80 beat me to it. Thank you very much! All hail Danielm80.
Feel free to respond to idiots in comments from now on with a sarcastic, “Ehh, nice G5.”
(Click here for a slightly larger version.)
The sad part is: If “Bingo” had more than five letters, I could have added even more squares, like “When you say there aren’t enough films about women, it just proves that you’re sexist against men.”
British Bingo cards are 9×3 grids; I don’t see why you shouldn’t expand this. Great stuff!
“You should just turn off your brain and enjoy it” might be a subspecies of G5, but I think it deserves its own square.
We could probably make a whole card that’s nothing but variations on “It’s supposed to be mindless!” I left out “It’s not meant to be Shakespeare,” for example.
I have no problem with mindless films. I enjoyed all of the dreadful Transformers movies. I just don’t understand why people think mindlessness is a defense, or need a critic to approve of the film.
Fair point, and similarly O2 stands for all the “in the book, it’s like this” comments.
If there were room, I’d insert something along the lines of “but it’s obviously meant to be a parody of the sexist attitudes in mainstream movies”.
What are the rank/file identifiers for a 9×3 card?
Also, 9×3 only gives 2 more spaces…
There are none. Typically five of the spaces in a row are filled in, and you can win by completing two rows or all fifteen filled spaces depending on the game. Wikipedia has more.
Another one you could have added:
“Who cares? Not every show has to include/represent/be fair towards women.”
I’m starting to think that we really need just one Bingo square. It would say: “If you don’t like this movie the way I do, you must have a personality disorder.” The trolls don’t always agree on what the disorder is. They may think MaryAnn is too old or too prudish or too much of a man-hater or a Social Justice Warrior. Some of them are even convinced—and I think they genuinely believe this—that she reviews movies she hasn’t seen, just to make a political point.
There are exceptions, of course, like the commenter who was obsessed with vulvas. But most of the trolls have a bizarre, glorified view of film criticism that’s almost flattering. They think critics are so revered that any negative comments about a film could doom it forever at the box office. And while critics do influence people’s opinions about a movie (there are studies that confirm this, and I could also talk about my own personal affection for sites like this one), their authority is clearly limited, if you consider the popularity of the Twilight films—or how often very respected critics disagree with each other.
Yeah, people who think you can’t say one negative word about a film that they/the critics/the general population likes are annoying. Just let people like what they like and vice versa. Jeez. It’s especially harrowing when they feel the need to hurl every condescending and misogynistic insult at you. And when they assume you’re just trying to be political…like their views are somehow more “right” and less “political”.
Wait…what? I’m sorry, this is a real thing?! Sounds like somebody needs to go back to Reddit.
We used to have another commenter who was obsessed with full frontal male nudity in movies (he bizarrely felt they happened too often), and another, ever stranger dude who genuinely thought that Scarlett Johansson was a clone involved in some United Nations conspiracy.
I kinda miss harmless nuts like those two – recently it’s mostly just the people you mention – super political angry commenters arguing about how critics shouldn’t be so political.
I needed some background noise while repainting my bathrooms and decided to listen to the Alt Right Playbook. It’s remarkable how the methods and strategies described are also used by all of the angry commenters here. I’m not sure if it’s only because they’re all part of the alt-right or if that’s just the way people who see the world in very stark have/have not, black/white, us/them terms like to structure their arguments. I tend toward the latter, since I’ve seen both sides use these techniques, but it’s still an interesting analysis:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xGawJIseNY&list=PLJA_jUddXvY7v0VkYRbANnTnzkA_HMFtQ
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, as the saying goes.
And did someone really comment about the spelling of “biast”?
The spelling of “Biast” has been brought up more than once to my knowledge.
It’s brought up so often that MaryAnn devoted an entire post to it:
http://www.flickfilosopher.com/2014/05/biast-weird-usages-strange-vocabulary-creative-writing.html
Itʻs beautiful that you made that the center ʻfreeʻ space.
I was thinking just that, it’s hilarious in a very sad way.
(And hail Daniel!)
Hail, Daniel!!
[long-time lurker] I especially like the “Did you really watch the movie?” type comments.
I2 variant: “You’re just looking for reasons to be offended.”
B3… B3.
You are not a film critic. I’m sorry. You’re just not. You are a perfect real-life representation of Tabitha Dickinson from Birdman. You just label everything, because you are lazy. I hate that I have to quote the film directly, but with you, it just happens to be completely and utterly true.
Amen to that.
So sorry that someone forced you to come to my fake film criticism site. You shouldn’t let people push you around like that.
Oh dear… I came here from Film Review Query Engine (I can no longer remember which film I was reading about at the time). If I was ‘forced’ to do anything, it was to agree with the above comment having explored your site which I thought at first looked good. Anyway, goodbye.
This is awesome in so many ways.
Bravo, Daniel!
This is embarrassing. You’re trying to shut down any kind of response that doesn’t support your viewpoint, which itself proves how weak your viewpoint really is
Yes, it’s all legitimate intelligent discourse represented up there on the bingo card.
*snort*
The internet really needs to have a sarcasm highlighter. Anything tongue-in-cheek should be backlit in a peachy color. Because, honestly, as I read (okay, troll) these posts I can’t always tell. I got yours (*snort*), but some others I’m not sure. And I can’t take anyone with the initials KK seriously anymore…. Just sayin’. Ooh. And maybe a biast highlighter as well.
All Hail Daniel.
This is just soooo awesome.
Now that you have the bingo card…you don’t really need the comments section anymore.
And yet here you are.
A critic that is unusally susceptible to criticism….interesting.
Criticism is very welcome here. The stuff on that bingo card? Not criticism, at least not of any variety useful for talking intelligently about movies.
I’m somewhat surprised people think that these are not only valid criticisms, but that there’s apparently no other possible criticisms people could make.
I’m having trouble parsing the second half of that sentence. I agree very strongly with the first half.
We use only the finest baby trolls dew-picked and flown from Rotten Tomatoes, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
*gingerly tastes troll and smacks lips* hmm… there’s a generous sprinkle of coarse sea salt on here too that gives it a distinctive delicately sour, schadenfreudalicious tang. What kind of bait do you guys use?
Apparently any old bait will do.
it’s so cute that you think this is clever. Go you, little darlin’.
Ooh, an inane and useless comment of pure sexist condescension that doesn’t fit any of the squares. Cool. Thanks for contributing to the next iteration, buddy.
It’s even cuter how seriously you take yourselves. It’s just so adorable. It’s like watching a kitten trying to roar.
Seriously, these are gems. Keep it going.
Keep what going? I’m complimenting you. Can’t you tell?
This is next-level gaslighting. Fascinating.
You don’t appear to know what gas-lighting is. Would you like me to mansplain it to you, or are you able to use that crazy ol’ Google machine which men invented for you?
Your gender assumptions are cute, too.
Not as cute as your attempt to sidestep the fact that you misunderstood what gas-lighting is, hun.
Nah, your assumptions and attempts at condescension are definitely cuter. And now I shall leave you to your masturbatory smugness. Ciao!
I accept your surrender, kitten. Have fun telling yourself that you achieved something.