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2014 preview: only movies left underived

Here are the few films coming in 2014 that are not sequels, remakes, reboots, or based on a stage show, the Bible, young-adult novels, comic books, cartoons, or — someone make it stop — toy lines.

The Vow (review)

So it turns out that perhaps the most awesome thing ever to happen to sappy shitty romantic flicks is brain damage. It makes sense! These movies are already brain-dead 95 percent of time anyway…

Drive Angry 3D (review)

I’d like to call Drive Angry Ghost Rider 2: Ghost Driver, except that a sequel to Cage’s previous awful example of cinematic demonic road rage is, in fact, already in production, for our sins. I might better call it Con Air Goes to Hell, because of the beautiful — and by beautiful, I mean, of course, vile and reprehensible — way it picks up the gauntlet thrown down by that violently misogynist film and slaps that gauntlet right at the viewer. In 3D!