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The blockbuster season is creeping up on us, and with it comes the specter of really really terrible movies. It’s as inevitable as sunburn, sand in your sneakers, and mosquito bites. My ultimate awful summer movie? I imagine it might look something like this…
“Ever get the feeling God has too many enemies?” –Crusader Felson (Ron Perlman)
“Being his friend isn’t too easy either.” –Crusader Behmen (Nicolas Cage)
I’d like to call Drive Angry Ghost Rider 2: Ghost Driver, except that a sequel to Cage’s previous awful example of cinematic demonic road rage is, in fact, already in production, for our sins. I might better call it Con Air Goes to Hell, because of the beautiful — and by beautiful, I mean, of course, vile and reprehensible — way it picks up the gauntlet thrown down by that violently misogynist film and slaps that gauntlet right at the viewer. In 3D!
I suspect it’s Nicolas Cage’s dignity, which has been run over repeatedly in the road behind them and is now struggling feebly to get up again and may just succeed in staggering pathetically in Cage’s direction (before he zooms off again)…
“Hell already is walking the earth.” Yes, it’s Nicolas Cage as Grandpa Action Hero. From hell. In 3D.
Plus: Will Natalie Portman’s pregnancy win her an Oscar?; watch out for ‘Ghost Rider 2’; accusations of fraud and corruption at the Golden Globes; more…
The screenplay is like a transcription of a Dungeons and Dragons session: better hope you make a high saving throw during the wolf attack in Wormwood Forest! The “performances” are like clueless imitations of Monty Python by actors who don’t understand comedy. And those are its good points.
She’s a witch! Burn ’er!
In *Lottery Ticket,* Bow Wow’s poor but nice ghetto kid wins a mega lottery but must protect the ticket from his greedy friends and neighbors over a long holiday weekend. This flick sprang from (among other films)…
U.S. AND CANADA/OPENING WIDE Inception: Leonardo DiCaprio will blow your mind… much as other thieves blow vaults. If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try: • Memento (2000): Christopher Nolan plays with the depths of the human mind and the limits to which narrative time can be stretched in both films. • Catch Me … more…
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