trailer break: ‘Hannah Montana: The Movie’

Hanna Montanta and Twilight give me serious reason to worry about the upcoming generation.

Harry Montana and the Legend of the Carbon Zombies

Hannah Montana, or, I Was A Teenage MarySue.

Like Alien Vs. Predator and Freddy Vs. Jason, I want to know how it ends without actually having to watch it. Anyone who's ever seen a movie before knows she will learn lessons about being herself and learn to embrace her small town roots, blah, blah, blah, but where it gets interesting is seeing how Disney will reconcile that inevitable conclusion with the shitloads of Hannah Montana merchandise they still need to move. Disney will find a way. After all, they promoted the anti-consumerist Wall-E with free cheap, disposable plastic watches for the kiddies. The movie's plot/message looks a lot like the 1992 George Strait movie Pure Country, but Strait went into that movie as someone who already had a personal integrity. The cartoon glam-country superstar he was at the beginning was a satire of the Garth Brooks-style arena pyrotechnics at the time (Billy Ray Cyrus's vapid breakout hit "Achy Breaky Heart" was released the same year). We were to boo the character he left behind and cheer the character he grew to become. But I don't get who this Hannah Montana movie is for. It seems if you are old enough to understand Miley's (the actress and the character, neither can wear that stupid wig forever) desire to grow up and put away childish things, you're also old enough to realize this character in which you've invested so much of your attention is so lame. The movie's subtext seems to be the equivalent of Shatner telling the Trekkies to "Get a life already."

Hannah Montana: It's Not Any Dumber Than Acid-Wash

I think the movie's subtext is; 'holy sh*t let's make some money of this girl because she's not getting any younger, and inevitably something will steal the spotlight away from her and free millions of young female (and male?) minds.'

Huh, that's not really a subtext is it?

Oddly enough, this trailer actually has me kinda intrigued. Think about it: Miley has been groomed to be this picture perfect teen queen. As Hannah Montana, her image is pretty clean (throwing a shoe at Tyra Banks is nowhere near as bad as what some other teen queens have done) and innocent. And then once she goes overboard with the fame thing, she's forced to go be Miley for a while? If I were a teen, I'd be pretty angsty about this. But since this is Disney, she does innocent things and Learns a Lesson.

But I want a sequel. I like the idea of her being Miley for a while: just her and a guitar, writing songs that aren't totally peppy and sweet and innocent. I like the idea of her writing things about having to live up to expectations of teen queendom and what it's like to have your heart broken. Free from the disney mold, they're stark and a little angry. While not bubblegum poppy, she can't help it when a good hook sneaks in the occasional song. She has minor critical success with this album, but very little commercial success. While a single does chart, it doesn't reach the top ten. Dropped from her label and discouraged, Miley goes on with her countrified life and, say, raises chickens or something.

Twenty years later, this album is rediscovered by a new generation and hailed as a minor masterpiece. The grown-up Miley, now 37, is sought out and surprised by the sudden appreciation. How does she handle this? Does she record another album? Does she go on tour Or does she just ignore it all? This is the movie I want to see.

Oh, and that shoe thing? Admittedly, that's pretty cool. Girl could do some major damage.

At the very least, it's better than "lookit how adorable and klutzy our heroine is! Can't even walk in high heels! But can she win the man of her dreams?"

"lookit how adorable and klutzy our heroine is! Can't even walk in high heels! But can she win the man of her dreams?"

Wasn't that essentially the plot of Twilight?

Jason, you wanna know how it ends? here's how it ends: she marries a clueless third-rate backup dancer, makes poor decision after poor decision, loses half her fortune, gets divorced, goes crazy in a public tirade that ends with her shaving her hair off, and is finally sacrificed by the rampaging locals to ensure the next corn harvest comes in better than last year's. And then we move on to the next singing pre-teen sensation on the Disney Channel. Oh wait, South Park beat me to that plot. Never mind.

Is this a remake of Ziggy Stardust: The Movie?

As a citizen of the world at large, I must confess that this whole Hannah Montana stuff has largely passed us by. So I was amazed by the statement at the start of the trailer.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that this whole Hannah Montana phenomenon is pretty much limited to the USA.

The rest of the world is mostly ignorant of her.

Yeah, you either have to be a preteen/teenage girl, or the mom or dad of a preteen/teenage girl.

And if I were the mom of a teenage girl, I would resist Mary Sue Montana with all my being. I'd rent Ghost World and make her watch it. Tough love, you know. ;)