The M*king of Cl**k
You wouldn’t believe all the anonymous crap I receive every day in hand-lettered brown envelopes slipped through the mail slot or via “mysterious” phone calls from would-be shady characters who think they’ve stumbled across an unproduced Ed Wood script or incontrovertible photographic evidence that the Brangelina baby is an alien and/or looks suspiciously like Billy Bob Thornton. Usually I just file for another restraining order and go on with my day.
This one was kinda interesting, though. I received it as an audiotape that purports to be a recording of an early script meeting for the new film Click. Can I vouch for its authenticity? No. But if it isn’t real, there’s a spectacularly convincing Adam Sandler soundalike in on the joke. The sound quality is not good, as if the recorder were hidden — if the tape is real, it was certainly made without the knowledge of at least some of the participants. Some parts I’ve redacted in the interest of decorum — there are only so many f-bombs even I want to deal with — and in the interest of not getting sued. But I think the idea of what’s being said comes across plenty clear.
The idea? Happy Madison ain’t so happy after all.
[tape begins midconversation, as if perhaps this were not the first tape in a series]
SANDLER: –win a f**kin’ Oscar, man! I’m f**kin’ sick and tired of being a f**kin’ joke!
MALE VOICE 1: But Adam– I mean, Mr. Sandler, you ARE a joke.
SANDLER: What the f**k did you just say?!
MALE VOICE 1: I mean, you’re funny, man. Sir. Audiences like you ’cause you’re funny.
SANDLER: Motherf**king c**ks**king audiences. I’m f**kin’ sick of them. All they ever f**kin’ want is f**kin’ fart jokes and a f**kin’ dog humpin’ my leg and shit. Christ!
MALE VOICE 2: I think what we’ve been trying to say is that we’re not sure it can work. [long pause] We really don’t think it would be a good idea to remake It’s a Wonderful Life with you in the Jimmy Stewart part.
SANDLER: F**k that shit! Why the f**k not?! People liked Jimmy Stewart, people like me. What’s the f**kin’ difference? If they can f**kin’ s**k Jimmy f**kin’ Stewart’s d**k and think he’s all classic and shit, they can do that for me.
MALE VOICE 2: It’s just that… well, look at it this way. You know the scene when they fall into the pool?
MALE VOICE 2: Well, in an Adam Sandler movie, it would have to be a cesspool.
SANDLER: [guffaws of laughter] Oh, man, that’d be f**kin’ awesome! That’s great. I knew you c**ks**kers could do it! Write that down! Don’t forget that!
[about 20 minutes of discussion follows during which Sandler and the two male voices — whom I believe are screenwriters Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe — hash out how to add toilet humor to It’s a Wonderful Life]
FEMALE VOICE: Ummmm, Mr. Sandler, sir?
SANDLER: What the f**k?
FEMALE VOICE: Well, sir, I’ve been doing some research online while you’ve been talking, and it seems that the rights to It’s a Wonderful Life are not available.
SANDLER: Why the f**k not?
FEMALE VOICE: It seems that they’re tied up in some sort of issue over Frank Capra’s estate.
[ed. note: I’m not sure that this is true. I think this may have been merely the quick thinking of a Happy Madison intern attempting to save a classic film from a savaging.]
SANDLER: Motherf**ker! Shit!… Wait a f**kin’ second! You c**ks**kers wrote that piece of shit Nic Cage movie Family Man, right? The one that f**kin’ ripped off It’s a Wonderful Life. Didn’t you?
MALE VOICE 1: Er, no, sir. We wrote Bruce Almighty.
SANDLER: Oh man! That’s even f**kin’ better. Write me a motherf**kin’ Bruce Almighty.
SANDLER: Well, what have you assholes got for me?
MALE VOICE 2: We do have one idea, Mr. Sandler, sir. It’s about a universal remote control.
SANDLER: So the f**k what? I got f**kin’ remote controls comin’ outta my ass.
MALE VOICE 2: Yeah, but do any of them control the universe? You know, you could use it to mute your wife when she’s nagging, fast-forward through all the boring stuff in life, like your kids whining, and use it to give yourself more time to suck up to the boss.
SANDLER: I don’t suck up to nobody.
MALE VOICE 1: Well, no, not YOU, sir. But the “Adam Sandler” character in your movies. He would do that.
MALE VOICE 2: Right! But he’d learn that all the stuff he was fast-forwarding through was actually the really important stuff in life. Like, maybe… maybe he could miss it when his dog died, and when he stopped fast-forwarding and discovered what he’d missed, he could be really upset about that.
MALE VOICE 1: Right, he really loved that dog.
SANDLER: The dog’s gotta f**kin’ hump something. Not my leg.
MALE VOICE 2: Oh, yeah, of course the dog’s gotta hump something. Maybe, I don’t know, a giant stuffed animal.
SANDLER: And there’s gotta be like tons of f**kin’ hot chicks all over, like maybe in my office. ’Cause it’s a guy fantasy, right, shuttin’ up the wife and kids and shit, right?
MALE VOICE 1: Definitely.
MALE VOICE 2: Absolutely.
SANDLER: And like one really f**kin’ ugly mannish chick, too. That’d be f**kin’ funny.
MALE VOICE 1: I don’t see what that would have to do with anything–
SANDLER: ’Cause that’d be F**KIN’ FUNNY!
MALE VOICE 1: Right. Of course.
SANDLER: And some amazingly f**kin’ hot chick’s gotta play my wife.
MALE VOICE 2: Of course. Someone really gorgeous.
MALE VOICE 1: Yeah, and we’ll make a joke about how a schlub like Sandler — pardon the expression, sir — could have possibly snagged someone, oh, hey, maybe like [redacted] or [redacted] or Kate Beckinsale, and then we won’t have to explain it.
SANDLER: I ain’t workin’ with that f**kin’ slut [redacted] or a skank like [redacted]. But Beckinsale’s pretty cute. So, like, I’d use the remote to go on slo-mo when I’m f**kin’ her, right?
MALE VOICE 2: No, no. You’ve got you’re priorities all screwed up. You’re working all the time, ignoring her. You’re fast-forwarding through making love to her.
SANDLER: I’m f**kin’ WHAT?!
MALE VOICE 1: Yes! You see, at the end, you learn that you spent your whole life on autopilot and missed all the good stuff.
SANDLER: Like the dog dyin’. And f**king Kate Beckinsale.
MALE VOICE 2: Exactly.
SANDLER: And people like this shit? They need to be told that f**king Kate Beckinsale is better than goin’ to f**kin’ work all the time?
MALE VOICE 1: They eat it up, sir.
SANDLER: Goddamn. Well, you c**ks**kers are the motherf**kin’ experts. This better work. But I swear to Christ, I want a big motherf**kin’ ending. I mean big swelling music and shit, and slow motion and, like, me f**kin’ running in the rain, all dramatic, like a big f**kin’ Oscar clip.
MALE VOICE 2: You got it.
SANDLER: F**kin’ A.