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maryann johanson | takeaway only

daily list: 5 things George Clooney is not

George Clooney is NOT engaged to be married, okay? And he’s not “gay, gay, gay,” he’s only “gay, gay.” What is it with these people — these swooning fangirls, these sweaty guys who live in their mothers’ basements, these vicious gossipmongers — who insist on spreading such mean-spirited lies? Just FYI, all these things are untrue, too:
1. George Clooney: not starring in Batman and Robin: Caribbean Nights. The actual title is Caribbean Days, and all the oil in that one scene is canola, and it’s a wacky cooking montage. It’s loaded with homoerotic subtext, sure, but that’s only subtext.

2. George Clooney: not a Democrat. He’s a Green, and he fuels his fleet of Priuses with the outgassing from his ego. Cuz it’s good for the environment, okay?

3. George Clooney: not a PC fan. He loves his new MacBook Air. Also, he thinks Playstation sucks, and demands that any PS within 1000 meters of his person be removed. He only plays Wii.

4. George Clooney: has not transferred his affection for imported Vietnamese potbellied as pets to rare and deadly Saharan tarantulas as pets. That would be weird.

5. George Clooney: not a reptilian creature from planet Zxxiyqastrsd, for pete’s sake. He’s an amphibian alien from planet Oshguryteras, everyone knows that.

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