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maryann johanson | #BlackLivesMatter

daily list: 7 Michael Bay remakes we can do without

I wish it were an early April Fool’s joke, but it appears to be real: Michael Bay is going to remake Rosemary’s Baby. It gets worse: he’s gonna redo Hitchcock’s The Birds, too. I guess Bay just couldn’t take my refound respect for him and decided he needed to waste no time in getting things back to normal.

Things could we even worse, though. Bay could be choosing other classics to remake. Like these, which I invite you to join me in keeping our fingers crossed that we never, ever have to endure:
1. Michael Bay’s 2001: A Space Odyssey: Didn’t Kubrick realize that when he eliminated sound from space, he’d lose all the beautiful noise of the explosions? What explosions? Oh, Bay will stick them back in where they should have been in the first place.

2. Michael Bay’s The Remains of the Day: Remember the scene in which Anthony Hopkins’ butler goes crazy and blows up the mansion? You will…

3. Michael Bay’s Sense and Sensibility II: Did you ever wonder how come all those military officers in Jane Austen were never armed? Surprise: this time they are. To be called Colonel Brandon Goes Bloody Berserk overseas.

4. Michael Bay’s Midnight Cowboy: Joe Buck and Ratso Rizzo are now vice cops on the mean streets of 1969, and what they’re packing you don’t wanna deal with. Oh yes, terror of Teh Gay has been ladled on.

5. Michael Bay’s The Wizard of Oz: Why didn’t the house blow up when it landed on the witch? Why didn’t the witch blow up when the house landed on her? Why didn’t the flying monkeys blow up when Dorothy shot them? What do you mean, Dorothy didn’t shoot the flying monkeys?

6. Michael Bay’s Bringing Up Baby: The classic romantic comedy gets a modern update… via lots of automatic weapons. Cuz the couple that goes on a violent rampage together stays together. Watch for the leopard-mauling scene — it’s awesome!

7. Michael Bay Casablanca: World War II is gonna be fought and won… right here.

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