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film criticism by maryann johanson | since 1997

trailer break: ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’

Take a break from work: watch a trailer…

Oh my god, I am so rooting for the bad guy in this. Christopher Eccleston can conquer my world any time he wants. I mean, he destroys the Eiffel Tower? How deliciously evil is that? And probably all because some dame broke his heart once and told him, as a brushoff, “We’ll always have Paris,” and he’s all, “Maybe not…”

And this “team” that “is being assembled” to stop him? The supposedly “best operatives in the world”? Bor-ring! We’re supposed to cheer for these guys and gals with their bland faces and their mechanical toys and their following orders instead of following their own dreams? They don’t have to be evil dreams — just, you know, show a spark of imagination, wouldja? You have to wait to be told to go after the villain who just blew up the Eiffel Tower? What, are you stupid or something?

Eh. Why are the heroes always so much less exciting than the bad guys? It’s like they want us to root for the evil genius masterminds.

I can tell already that I’m going to be complaining that the movie has too much of the bland action figure “heroes” in their stupid accelerator suits and not enough Christopher Eccleston in his Armani suits.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra opens in the U.S. and the U.K. on August 7.

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