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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

wtf: medieval melons go to war

The new comic-book inspired poster for the film Centurion:

(Full poster, by British comics artist Simon Bisley, after the jump.)

Now, as pumped up as Michael Fassbender ever gets, as in this image from 300:

he never looks as meaty as his comics version does. But even in illustrated fantasy, he’s still far more realistic than the comics wet dream version of Olga Kurylenko is. Here’s her in real life:

The poor woman is almost naked in 95 percent of the pictures of her online — we should chip in to buy her some T-shirts or something — so it’s easy to tell that she is a lovely woman with realistic breasts.

I suspect that even if breast-implant technology existed in Roman Britain, most warriors would not elect to undergo the procedure: enormous breasts would be a hindrance on a battlefield.

Here’s what I propose, however. If such outrageously distended body parts are helpful to the warrior, let’s get an illustration of Fassbender’s soldier with watermelon-sized testicles. And then he can let us know whether this helps or hinders when he is running for his life from an enemy hellbent on killing him.

(Centurion is now available in the U.S. on Amazon Video on Demand, and opens theatrically on August 27. It will be released on Region 2 DVD in the U.K. on August 16. Watch the trailer here).



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