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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

MacGruber (review)

Letter from a Sexually Stunted Frat Boy


(for sexually stunted frat boys)

(for everyone else)

Dont believe the haterz man! MacGruber is freakin awesome! Its funny cuz MacGruber is like totally incompent and stoopid and hes a cheap bastid and so scaredy catty he makes a chick do all the dangerous stuff. Oh man and he totally blows shit up thats not supposed to blow up but even that is awesome and theres lots of blood and goop and shit. And the bad guy whos all Val Kissler or whatever the hell his name is is like MacGruber you are a fucking retard who blows up his own dudes* and I was like Oh snap Cunth!

Oh yeah thats the bad guys name Cunth! That is so freakin awesome I cant even tell you how freakin awesome it is. If theres one bad thing about MacGruber its that nobody gets to say Cunth enough. I would totally be like CUNTH you are goin down and CUNTH you suck and How are we gonna stop CUNTH cuz CUNTH wants to destroy the world so only CUNTH gets to do stuff from now on. They all should totally be saying CUNTH more. But MacGruber does get to say a few times that hes gonna Pound some Cunth which is awesome cuz who doesnt like to pound some cunth every once an awhile know wut I mean man?
In case you didnt get it Cunth sounds like cunt which is a disgusting bitchpart that grosses me out so why do I want one so much? Thats freakin scary know wut Im sayin dude? So MacGruber the movie is like deep that way too.

Oh man and then in another bit the Ryan Filip soldier dude tells MacGruber his face looks like a vagina and thats totally awesome, because no dude wants his face to look like a disgusting vagina! I wuz like Oh snap Ryan Filip! Stupid vaginas.

So MacGruber has to like stop Cunth from nuking Washington or some shit and so he gets together his gang of total badasses except one of the big scary badass dudes totally gay kisses his gay homo boyfriend and MacGruber is all like No freakin way man! And its funny cuz nobody likes a faggity homo no matter how tough he is and so Mac crosses him off the list of the badass team hes collecting which is freakin awesome. Stupid homos.

And then its get even better because MacGruber is like a total fag too only not really. Hes all like I will suck your dick I will let you fuck me* when he needs something from the Ryan Filip soldier dude or that other old general soldier dude whos like in charge of the Pentagon or whatever. And Mac totally shoves celery up his butt in one bit which is totally gross but I might have to try that but it dont make me no fag haterz!

But hes not really a fag so its okay like when later he totally bangs that Kristin Wig character and it so freakin hilarious cuz hes like awful in the sack even tho his govinment file says Great Lover. So I dont get that shit when chicks tell me Im terrible when Im fuckin cuz I aint like MacGruber. Stupid bitches.

Oh man and the grossest part is when we get to see some fat old broads tit. I thought I was gonna puke I busted a gut laughin too cuz it was so damm funny!

Oh and Macs govinment file is all like he wuz a Navy Seal and an Army Ranger and Special Forces and hes won all these medals and shit and hes like a friggin Jedi or somethin. Which is funny cuz hes only does shit like blowin up his own dudes and he likes 80s soft rock and hes totally not a badass at all espeshly with that stoopid hair. Thats like a Contrast or something which is why its funny.

Saturday Nite Live movies rock dudez!

*actual quote from the film


MPAA: rated R for strong crude and sexual content, violence, language and some nudity

viewed at a semipublic screening with an audience of critics and ordinary moviegoers

official site | IMDb | trailer
more reviews: Movie Review Query Engine

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