new this week in U.S., Canadian, and U.K. theaters: ‘Jonah Hex,’ ‘Toy Story 3,’ ‘Killers,’ ‘MacGruber,’ more


Jonah Hex: Josh Brolin is a disfigured half-zombie gunfighter in the weird Old West. And it’s kinda not a comedy. [trailer] review to come

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: The Complete Series (1993): The sadly short-lived Fox TV series is the ultimate in Western science-fantasy comedy. Plus it stars Bruce Campbell, which is never bad.
Young Guns (1988): As overblown as a Bon Jovi music video, and dumb as a bag of rocks. And it’s still kinda better than Jonah Hex.
American Outlaws (2001): It’s the Western as cheesy beefcake, which also makes it more entertaining than Hex.
No Country for Old Men (2007): For more Josh Brolin in the new West, though here his character is of a considerably dumber bent.

Toy Story 3: Woody and Buzz and the gang are back. I’ll attend a midnight screening tonight and report asap. review to come

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Toy Story (1995): Well, naturally.
Toy Story 2 (1999): Even better than the first one.
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993): Some cute animals struggle on long, arduous journey to find their people, almost exactly like Woody and Buzz have to do. *sob*
Babes in Toyland (aka March of the Wooden Soldiers) (1934): Laurel and Hardy in fairy-tale land. (Fairy tale characters are what we had before we had trademarked toy characters developed by global megacorps for irresistible cuteness.)

Cyrus Maybe the weirdest love triangle ever, and not just because Jonah Hill and John C. Reilly are competing for the affections of Marisa Tomei. [trailer] review to come

I Am Love Tilda Swinton is a Russian wife and mother in an Italian movie about a fucked-up family. Fun. [trailer] review to come

The Killer Inside Me Michael Winterbottom’s controversial thriller about a man who loves murdering women. I like Casey Affleck a lot, but I suspect this is gonna try my patience. (available on demand) [trailer] review to come

The Nature of Existence Just a quick documentary look at a few small things, such as life, the universe, and everything. [trailer] review to come


Killers: Ashton Kutcher as a professional killer for the CIA is laughable. Alas that Katherine Heigl as his idiot wife is not.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005): This is what the screwball romantic comedy/hired killer movie should be.
Grosse Pointe Blank (1997): Or it could look like this. Extra hint: Ashton Kutcher is no John Cusack.
Legally Blonde (2001): If Katherine Heigl wants to get away with being a dumb blonde, she should study this flick — coincidentally also from director Robert Luketic — and discover that it’s about not actually being dumb at all.
Dude, Where’s My Car? (2000): For pretty much the only movie Ashton Kutcher and his dumb-brunet act have not been a detriment to.

MacGruber: I think MacGyver should kick MacGruber’s ass… with some chewing gum and a paperclip, of course.

If you can’t make it to the multiplex, try:

Die Hard (1988): Why not go for one of the great action sorta-comedies instead? It’s gotta be funnier…
Hot Fuzz (2007): One of the best sendups of the action genre, about small-town English cops.
Wayne’s World (1992): If you need a Saturday Night Live movie, go for the best.
Superstar (1999): But if you really need a terrible SNL movie, here ya go.

Our Family Wedding: Familial hilarity desperately tries to ensue when a Hispanic woman and an African-American man announce their engagement to be married. No, this is not a period piece set in the 1950s.

Wild Target: Hey, it’s another hitman comedy, starring Bill Nighy, Emily Blunt, Rupert Everett, and Rupert Grint.

Where to buy/watch:
The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.: The Complete Series [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.]
American Outlaws [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Babes in Toyland [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Die Hard [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Dude, Where’s My Car? [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Grosse Pointe Blank [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.]
Hot Fuzz [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Legally Blonde [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Mr. & Mrs. Smith [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
No Country for Old Men [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Superstar [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Toy Story [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Toy Story 2 [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Wayne’s World [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]
Young Guns [Region 1/U.S.] [Region 1/Can.] [Region 2]

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