wtf: Smurfs movie is totally uncalled for

Proof that there is no god: A Smurfs movie will be hurled at us in 2011, whether we want it or not. And it will be about Smurfs magically transported from whatever frakkin’ magical forest they live in to New York City. Like Enchanted, I guess. Only evil.

It will be called The Smurfs.

I hope they all get crushed under a taxi. I hope they get suckered into buying overpriced fake Rolexes in Times Square. I hope they get lost on the subway and end up in Crown Heights. I hope they encounter that crafty well-dressed beggar in Grand Central who pretends to have been mugged and just needs some money to buy a train ticket home. I hope they– oh, what’s the point?

From USA Today:

A live-action comedy about the little blue forest-dwellers is being shot in New York, and here is a first peek at the formerly 2-D Grouchy, Papa and Clumsy, reimagined through computer animation and eventual 3-D projection. A trailer makes its debut Thursday on Yahoo.com; the film arrives in August 2011.

Until now, the Smurfs have existed only in the Middle Ages among knights, kings and wizards, such as their nemesis Gargamel (played by Hank Azaria) and his cat Azrael.

Hank Azaria, why are you doing this to me? Are you trying to make me hate you? Cuz it’s working.

Also: Neil Patrick Harris will appear in this abomination. As a human. Showing his face and everything. And not even as Dr. Horrible with a plan to destroy them. *sob*

USA Today again:

You’ll see the Smurfs “as fully living, breathing creatures,” Gosnell says. “They’re little mammals. They’re vulnerable little creatures in our big modern world.”

Okay, so the Smurfs are mammals who reproduce like mammals do. So all the hounddoggery of the male Smurfs really was because they had to fight with one another to get into Smurfette’s pants? When Donnie Darko said that Smurfs “don’t even have… reproductive organs under those little white pants,” he was wrong.

This is going to be so gross. Of course it is: it’s from auteur Raja Gosnell, whose oeuvre includes such masterpieces as Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Scooby-Doo, Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, and Big Momma’s House. What could go wrong?

Be warned: There’s teaser trailer attached to Toy Story 3.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled apocalypse.

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