American Pie: Reunion (review)

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American Pie Reunion red light Eugene Levy Jason Biggs

I guess it was inevitable. The only thing that apparently made the American Pie guys “interesting” was that the movie surrounding them was full of adolescent sexual terror masquerading as “comedy.” Thirteen years later — because, you know, everyone has a thirteenth high-school reunion — they remain as fixedly bland as ever, and so their latest (and let us hope final) cinematic outing can hope to be in the least bit “appealing” only by trotting out the same tedious sitcom blend of crude vulgarity and sappy sentiment. Has there even been a more lifeless teenaged protagonist than Jason Biggs’ (Eight Below) Jim Levenstein? I mean, other than his pals, played by the doughiest white-bread cast ever: Chris Klein (American Dreamz), Thomas Ian Nicholas (The Rules of Attraction), and Eddie Kaye Thomas (A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas)? (There’s an excellent reason none of these guys ever went on to even moderate fame as actors.) Only Seann William Scott (Goon) is memorable… and then only because he’s so repulsive. As the gang gets together back at the old homestead for school-days reminiscing, we are “treated” to the spectacle of them as adults so irritatingly boring that we can sincerely accept that they look back on high school as “awesome.” There’s no real plot, just a panoply of gay terror, domestic terror — behold the one guy who actually enjoys househusband duties, the sap (that’s the movie’s attitude, needless to say, not mine) — and general sexual terror, ranging from masturbation mortification to the “disgusting” horror of aggressive women who demand sex on their own terms. Oh, sure, there are a few token female characters in the mix — like Jim’s wife, Michelle (Alyson Hannigan), who is given leave to be horny because her husband is the only object of her desire. Mostly, though, only women — or teenaged girls — who perform parodies of what men are supposed to find attractive are considered acceptable. Which means there are lots of anonymous boobs on display here. Some of them are even unclothed mammary glands.

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