Bullet to the Head (review)

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Bullet to the Head red light Sylvester Stallone Jason Mamoa

I’m “biast” (pro): nothing

I’m “biast” (con): trailer looked idiotic

(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

“We gonna fight or do you plan on boring me to death?” Sylvester Stallone mumbles to the bad bad guy just before their final climactic fight. Too late! Bullet to the Head has long since put a bullet of boredom in your noggin.

How does a legendary director such as Walter Hill make a movie this shockingly inept? This is is damn near the most unwatchable piece of junk I’ve seen that hasn’t gone straight to DVD or late-night cable. It’s barely even a movie, in fact — it’s more like a meatbrawl, just dozens of anonymous beefy lunkheads beating one another up or, more often, shooting one another in almost random sprays of blood and bullets. And it’s no better, frankly, when the movie attempts to unanonymize the lunkheads, because we are offered no reason to care what happens to the several cartoonish characters heading up what passes for the plot.

Stallone (The Expendables 2, Rambo) is the good bad guy here, hired killer James Bonomo whose Golden Rule is “no women, no children,” so he’s a nice, honorable hired killer, you see. He’s been double-crossed on his latest job, and on the way to getting revenge he runs across cop-out-of-water Taylor Kwon (Sung Kang: Fast and Furious 5, Live Free or Die Hard), also seeking the same bad bad guys Bonomo is after. Kwon is, I’m pretty sure, the worst law-enforcement officer ever, between his complete willingness to participate in violent felonies and his penchant for referring to himself as “Taylor” when talking to his cop colleagues on the phone: “Hey, it’s Taylor,” he says when calling into his department, as if he’s calling his mom. Also: he’s just plain stupid and incompetent. Also also: Hired killer Bonomo and cop Taylor team up? To take down some people who are even worse than they are? Does that happen? Even in crappy movies like this one as a bad excuse for a twist on the buddy movie?

Taylor’s on-the-spot psychoanalysis of Bonomo as a guy with a daddy-inferiority complex. Stallone’s extruded-plastic demeanor. The laughable narration. The unbelievably stilted acting from everyone… except, perhaps, the always reliable Christian Slater (Bobby, The Deal) as one of the bad bad guy. The charisma-free cast… including, unexpectedly, Slater, in this case. Holy crap, the trying-on-funny-hats montage. Bullet to the Head should be laughable. This is a movie that wants to be hardboiled but ends up more sorta of soft-shelled. And yet it’s snooze-inducing.

Hill’s last work was the marvelous TV Western Broken Trail which was as sensitive and surprising as it was brutal, so we know he’s capable of better. Stallone knows how to be an appealing lunkhead — see: Rocky and the more recent Rocky Balboa. We can’t even blame Bullet’s provenance in the comic-book realm (this is based on the graphic novel Du plomb dans la tête by Alexis Nolent) because there have been too many good movies based on too many good comic books.

So what the hell happened? What did no one involved seem to give the tiniest crap?

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Mon, Feb 04, 2013 10:41pm

How does a legendary director such as Walter Hill make a movie this shockingly inept?

Cocaine? CJD?

reply to  LaSargenta
Tue, Feb 05, 2013 2:51am

And don’t forget that he directed Supernova. *shudder*

reply to  Wenna
Tue, Jun 04, 2013 8:49pm

I’m always amused when I hear Supernova described as some Battlefield Earth-esque fiasco because I watched that movie and I honestly don’t remember nearly ANYTHING from it other than the zero-g sex scene and that one guy watching Tom and Jerry. Is the movie so bad it literally erases itself from your memory?

Tue, Feb 05, 2013 12:27am

While I’m not a fan of either Sly or Arnie, they represent an era of film where actors were supposed to have *some* personality or distinction, whether they had talent or not. I’m certain that Bullet to the Head and The Last Stand are both unwatchable pieces of dung, as you say. But, at least we know who starred in them. Today, most action films are starring some generic pretty boy cipher who is easily as interchangeable as the next. I mean the remake of Total Recall starred…who? I can google the name. Whoever it was, really didn’t make much of an impression.

MaryAnn Johanson
reply to  Patrick
Tue, Feb 05, 2013 12:45am

You know the names of the people who starred in *The Last Stand* and this film. But those personalities that made them famous are not on display in these films.

Tue, Feb 05, 2013 1:01pm

It seems to me as incomprehensible that someone could make a plotless generic action movie like this after Shoot ‘Em Up as it does that someone could make a plotless generic horror movie after The Cabin in the Woods.

I was never much of a fan of Stallone, even back in the day; unlike Schwarzenegger, he never came over as having a sense of humour. Going by reviews, since I haven’t seen either, The Last Stand is at least a reasonably coherent film, and some people have claimed it’s amusing; I haven’t heard anything good about this.