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artisanal film reviews | by maryann johanson

Breathe In review: every man’s fantasy — blech

Breathe In red light Felicity Jones Guy Pearce

Dear Penthouse Forum: I am an ordinary high school teacher, happily married. I never thought anything like this would happen when we hosted a beautiful, brilliant British foreign exchange student…
I’m “biast” (pro): love the cast

I’m “biast” (con): nothing

(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

Dear Penthouse Forum:

I am an ordinary high school teacher in Upstate New York, happily married with a teenaged daughter. I never thought anything like this would happen to me when we decided to host a British foreign exchange student for the academic year. But I was totally floored by her from the moment we picked her up at the airport! She — I’ll call her Sophie, though that’s not her real name; her real name is Felicity Jones — is brilliant and beautiful, in a very sophisticated way. I all but gave up my career as a musician to become a music teacher, and I don’t think my wife — I’ll call her Megan, though her real name is Amy Ryan — fully appreciates how much of a sacrifice this was to me. A man needs his creative outlets! And Sophie is an absolute genius on the piano — she plays with such passion, like I haven’t heard in years. I couldn’t help but be drawn to her talent and her spirit. I think this is why Sophie dropped out of the music class I teach at the local school she was attending during her exchange, because she felt the attraction between us and had a premonition of how dangerous it would be. But of course we were together at home all the time! I didn’t mean to get emotionally involved with her, but a man has needs, and like I said, my wife doesn’t seem to understand me anymore. But Sophie! As a fellow musician, she was very sympathetic to my creative urges, and very wise about them: I think it was when she said “It’s hard to do what you want to do” that I started to really fall in love with her, because I knew she was an old soul like me. She certainly seems much older than she is! I hasten to add that she *is* 18, so she’s not a child. And it’s not like I’m not a good-looking guy — people say I look like the actor Guy Pearce — so it’s not like I have any trouble attracting female attention. I hate to sound as if I’m trying to justify being unfaithful to my wife or hurting my daughter, who had befriended Sophie, but…

[continued on page 174]


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Breathe In (2013)
US/Can release: Mar 28 2014
UK/Ire release: July 19 2013

Flick Filosopher Real Rating: rated MMLCF for wearying depictions of a male midlife crisis fantasy
MPAA: rated R for some language
BBFC: rated 15 (contains strong language)

viewed in 2D
viewed at a public multiplex screening

IMDb
more reviews: Movie Review Query Engine | Rotten Tomatoes

If you’re tempted to post a comment that resembles anything on the film review comment bingo card, you might want to reconsider.

  • RogerBW

    I know a chap who once had a job writing (among other things) the readers’ letters for Knave. The real ones were so badly spelled, and often entirely incomprehensible, that it was easier just to make them up from scratch.

  • LaSargenta

    Oh dear. How long do you think we have before we get someone posting a variant of “How could you think this is a review?!”

    So, at least, is the sex sexy? Will I have something to enjoy if I get dragged to this?

  • No.

  • Tonio Kruger

    So looking like the male lead in Memento is now considered a good thing…

  • Josh Board

    I’m a movie critic in San Diego that just sat through this horrible movie. This review, is easily the funniest and best review I will read (on any movie) all year. Bravo!

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