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die hard is a xmas movie | by maryann johanson

what a girl wants

I was already down with the A-Team movie, just because:

1) hello! A-Team movie

2) silliest TV show ever

3) someone else noticed how awesome Sharlto Copley is

But then I saw this image at Yahoo! Movies, part of a roundup about the most anticipated movies of the upcoming spring/summer season:


And I almost fainted. This is the hottest photo to cross my desktop since at least yesterday. Two rugged manly masculine manly rugged but sensitive soldiers of fortune, and Bradley Cooper is caressing a phallic shotgun while also modeling his conveniently outlined crotch in case we’d forgotten that he’s superhot and totally not gay — not that that wouldn’t be hot, too — and Liam Neeson, who is definitely 100-percent-no-snarking not gay, gazing right into the camera as if to purr, “Come and get it, ladies.”

I’ll be in my bunk.

And here’s what Yahoo! Movies is all hot and bothered about:

Here’s a twist: Nostalgic ladies (primarily 35-64) make up more than two-thirds of the film’s online look-ups. Now what if someone could combine SATC with The A-Team…

How is it a twist that women like looking at hot guys? And on what planet would it be a good thing if someone could combine Sex and the City with The A-Team (unless the guys were able to remove those screechy materialistic nitwits from the universe forever)?

My pal bronxbee forwarded this to me because she was furious about Yahoo!’s spin, and at first I was furious, too. And then I found it funny. Because, not that Yahoo! Movies exactly qualifies as film journalism, but if this is the fundamental disconnect from reality that the corporate media is operating under, it can’t die soon enough. It certainly can’t go much further to prove itself irrelevant.

Seriously, someone needs to send a memo: There are lots of women in the world who would rather see hot guys saving the planet and imagine ourselves fucking them afterward while they’re still sweaty and amped up on testosterone than listen to a bunch of whiny narcissists bitching about the men they’re not fucking, or the men who aren’t fucking them right, or whatever. A serious drama about real problems real people have with real relationships is another thing entirely, and a good thing. But when it comes to fantasy, I — and lots of other women — don’t dream about shoes or $30 salads in fancy restaurants with women we can’t stand. And I certainly don’t fantasize about complaining about men. I dream about being a MaryAnn sandwich between Bradley Cooper and Liam Neeson.



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easter eggs | movie buzz

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