I’m “biast” (con): nothing
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)
Well, crap. Shoulda done my research. If I’d known that Canadian no-budget body horror flick Bite was from the same guy, director Chad Archibald, who was also responsible for the idiotically incoherent sci-fi horror Ejecta, I would have just skipped it. Instead, I found myself subjected to the astonishingly silly notion that bath beads covered in industrial quantities of K-Y Jelly are somehow scary. When Casey (Elma Begovic) gets home from her bachelorette trip to Costa Rica, she discovers that a bug bite she acquired there — in, natch, one of those remote secret foreign places in the jungle that is forbidden to outsiders — has gotten, um, infected, and before long she’s got gallons of gloopy fish eggs shooting out of her vagina. And you thought Montezuma’s revenge was nasty. (Pro tip, ladies: A pregnancy test that comes up positive might just mean you are incubating some exotic fish-bug nasties. Ask your doctor!) Archibald, who cowrote the script with Jayme Laforest, thinks he’s manufactured some sort of resonance via the fact that Casey doesn’t want to have children and yet hasn’t shared this with the man she is about to marry, and so… what? Casey is now being subjected to an ironic punishment for this? Is gloopy fish eggs shooting out of your vagina supposed to be less horrific — not that this is at all horrific, just slimy — for a woman if she’s cool with popping human children out of her body? Because I’m pretty sure that would not be the case.