The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything: A VeggieTales Movie (review)

Three ordinary, modern-day, working-class veggies are dragged back in time, where they are mistaken for pirate-esque heroes who have to help a pretty green princess do something or other on the high seas. Along the way, they fight that same giant boulder monster Tim Allen battled in Galaxy Quest, though these guys all keep their shirts on… at least the one wearing something vaguely shirtlike does. Why veggies would wear clothing is rather less mysterious than how they manage to use swords and other tools without arms or hands — things just kinda float magically next to their limb-free veggie bodies — but their legless bouncing to get around is most disturbing of all. No, wait, the ones who are just bouncing heads are the most disturbing of all. Still, there are only a few moments of weirdness — like an attack by Cheetos dentata, which is deeply unsettling in a way I’m not sure a children’s movie is supposed to be — to rock anyone over the age of two out of the comfortable nap you’ll be able to grab during what is otherwise 85 minutes of trying to figure out just what the heck kind of veggie each character is supposed to be. (The one asparagus guy is recognizable, but I think they were afraid that if they added any kind of detail to the one who’s supposed to be a cucumber that he’d look even more like a big green penis than he already does.) I guess VaguelyVegetablelikeAmorphousBlobsOfCGIColorTales didn’t have the same ring to it. And Mr. Potato Head and Weebles were already trademarked.

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