I’m “biast” (con): nothing
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)
This is what happens when your Lord of the Rings cosplay gets overrun by Method stuntmen. See, there’s a Viking prince, and he has to walk among some green hills to find his brother, another Viking prince, because their father the king is dying, which is a risk you run when you invade nice innocent Saxon farmers: one of them might object to be raped and pillaged. Occasionally during the walk through the green hills, a gang of refugees from Monty Python and the Holy Grail — “’Tis a scratch!” — attacks, and then there is some swordplay with lots of wet meaty sound FX. It’s kinda like a History Channel reenactment, but with more gore, more swearing, and more threats of Viking boy-buggery. “This isn’t just somebody’s head on a stick!” we are informed at one juncture. “This is a sign!” Indeed.