Magic Mike’s Last Dance movie review: hustle and grind

His last dance? Magic Mike’s last dance? Promise?

Cuz: look. I am not a Channing Tatum fan, and I am not a fan of these Magic Mike movies. But even I can see that many of the things that so many people liked about the first two movies are simply missing here. There’s no comedy. (It’s a crime that this is labeled a comedy. There are barely even attempts to be funny, never mind failed ones.) There’s no buddy bromance. (None of the other guys from either of the previous outings are back: not Joe Manganiello, not Matt Bomer, not Adam Rodriguez.)

Of course it’s great that the movie gives us Salma Hayek Pinault as a 50-something woman who is a sexual being — and, in a reversal of the usual way of things, pairs her up with a man (Tatum) more than a decade younger than her. Probably the only thing that feels Magic Mike–ish here is Tatum dance-grinding on her. I don’t find that sexy. Banter is sexy. Connection is sexy. Hayek Pinault ordering Tatum around like a servant, and him complying because it’s his job, is not sexy. But if you find that sort of thing appealing… well, there’s not actually even much of that sort of thing going on here.

Nope, there’s just the tedious kind of grinding: that of dragging out yet another sequel even in the face of diminishing franchise returns. In 2015, Magic Mike XXL made less globally than 2012’s Magic Mike did, so why bother with another one? Aha! After XXL, West End stage revue Magic Mike Live debuted in London, and despite pandemic interruptions, it is still going strong — top tickets are £299, yikes! Say hello to the roundabout meta cash-in: Just as the original Magic Mike was loosely based on Tatum’s experience as a stripper, Last Dance is loosely based on Tatum’s experience creating and directing Magic Mike Live. (Channing Tatum does not perform in the actual Magic Mike Live, the show’s website hastens to inform horny fangirls.)

My head hurts. Which is the only tingling sensation Last Dance inspired in my body. I can’t believe this is a Steven Soderbergh (Unsane, Logan Lucky) film. It’s so dull. It’s so rote. It’s so… safe.

Tatum’s (Bullet Train, Dog) Mike Lane is bartending in Miami — not stripping, and so much for his talent as a furniture designer, I guess — when he meets bored rich lady Maxandra Mendoza (Hayek Pinault: The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard, Like a Boss), who, after a how-do-you-do lap dance, pretty much orders Mike to accompany her back home to London on a mystery mission. He agrees, and discovers that she wants him to help her transform the Victorian-drawing-room stage play she is producing into, basically, Magic Mike Live. This involves firing actors and other personnel, and boy, I am not even being sarcastic when I say that I would have infinitely preferred the theatrical soap opera that could have been spun out of the shitstorm that West End actors-and-directors trade union Equity would surely have instigated if something like this actually happened.

Instead, Last Dance is about Mike running around London auditioning buff dudes with moves for his show. These men are not characters — they don’t even have names, for the most part, or if they do, they’re mentioned once and then forgotten. The finale of the film is the big debut onstage bump-and-grind of a bunch of guys whom we don’t even know who they are.

Worse, I think that’s not even supposed to matter. I think returning screenwriter Reid Carolin imagines that the “real” protagonist of the Magic Mike movies is the woman watching from beyond the screen. He puts a lot of garble into Maxandra’s mouth about women being reminded who they are because an anonymous man has thrust his groin at her, or that screaming at a guy ripping his T-shirt off onstage is somehow an indication that women can have whatever they want outta life. It’s meaningless faux-feminist pabulum of the worst sort. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying watching half-naked men dance, but let’s not pretend there’s anything empowering about it.

see also:
• Magic Mike movie review: it’s got no clothes
• Magic Mike XXL movie review: crotch watch

more films like this:
• The Lost City [Prime US | Prime UK | Apple TV | Sky Cinema UK]
• Step Up 5: All In (aka Step Up All In) [Prime US | Prime UK | Apple TV US | Apple TV UK | HBO Max US]