Seventh Son movie review: witches be crazy

Something about creatures of the dark and a Blood Moon and a young man (poor Ben Barnes: Killing Bono) who’s sure he’s destined for more than moisture farming– er, I mean, pig farming, and the 20th-level mage who will teach him to battle the creatures of the dark who are rising because of the Blood Moon and stuff. “Signs of evil are everywhere,” says that one unnamed character and you’ll just have to take his word on that because they were saving up the FX budget for the final CGI creature battle. Insert scene that’s like Monty Python without the comedy (or at least without the intentional comedy). Training sequence! Sexy good witch (poor Alicia Vikander: Ex Machina) does a sultry bathing-in-the-Blood Moon-light thing. “If you see a witch, kill it,” mumbles Jeff Bridges (The Giver ), doing his best “drunk Obi-Wan with cotton wool in his mouth” impersonation. (Saving throw against Phoning It In curse fails!) And he really means the word that rhymes with witch and starts with a B. Because Julianne Moore (Maps to the Stars), vamping it up and collecting a paycheck as a for-real dragon-lady magician who still can’t get over how Jeff Bridges like totally broke her heart that one time. Women, can’t live with ’em, can’t kill ’em with fire. Oh, wait: yes, you can. In 3D!