Workin’ on the Sparkle
(for fabulous brainless gals who lurve sparkle)
(for everyone else)
Thank Jimmy Choo for feminism! Am I right, ladies? I mean, not the nasty hairy feminism that’s all about equal pay and publicly subsidized day care and all that nonsense: All a girl needs to do is catch herself a Mr. Big, and then she can hire a full-time live-in nanny and do whatever “work” she wants to do for fun, like writing books about her sex life or calling it “PR” when she fucks a movie star and later brags in this week’s hot nightspot about what a great lay she was with him. Now that’s fun!
No, thank Jimmy Choo for the kind of feminism that has freed women to have as much awesome fun as possible! I’m talking about the fabulous kind of feminism, where wealthy white privilege is healing and a gal is liberated from having to be “interesting” — we all know that’s code for “dog” anyway — or having to think about anything unpleasant, unless it’s about menopause or being forced to sit around a boring old pre-war Fifth Avenue apartment — not even a penthouse! — with her boring old husband.
But a woman should be free from having to think about anything. Oh, it’s so frustrating! I don’t know how Carrie puts up with Big, who leaves her alone all day while he’s working, doing whatever it is he does with all his money, investing or something, and then doesn’t even have the decency to head out onto the town with her in the evening. What a rat! And after she’d gone to all the trouble of decorating that flat with the most expensive furniture she could find on Madison Avenue. “I’ve been cheating on fashion with furniture,” Carrie tells a shop assistant who hasn’t seen her in a while. And that’s one of the things I love about Carrie and her besties: they say stuff that sounds smart without sounding like they actually think about anything at all! Because only ugly unfabulous girls like actually thinking about stuff. There’s no reason to have to think about things. Life is fun! Have a cocktail and relax!
Oh, how I love Sex and the City 2! It gives you exactly the same feeling you get from the September Vogue every year: lots and lots of ads about lots of shiny sparkly things that cost an absolute fortune and make you feel so great that you can’t stop buying! It used to be (or so I read in The Feminine Mystique, which is this great old book from like the 1800s or something) that women were only supposed to buy, like, cake mixes and washing machines, but now feminism means that women can spend all their money on shoes and vintage Valentino and botox and $25 mixed drinks. And I’m sorry, but anyone who says that it doesn’t make sense to wear vintage Valentino while you’re making cupcakes for your kid’s school or to wear a formal ballgown skirt and a $200 T-shirt in an Abu Dhabi marketplace is just jealous, and probably too poor to be able to afford it. Get yourself a Mr. Big, girlfriend! Or at least write a book about your sex life.
Ah, yes, so Carrie and Samantha and Miranda and the other one go to Abu Dhabi, which is this fantastic place in the Middle East. And they get to go for free, because Samantha fucked that movie star and now he’s an even huger movie star, and the Abu Dhabi Arab guys want Samantha to do the same for Abu Dhabi, too! That turns out to be really funny, actually. Of course you’ve heard about how awful the Middle East is for women, but it turns out that it’s not really that bad, and the women there are all fabulous under their burqas and all read Suzanne Somers books about hormones, just like Samantha does. And Samantha gets to “fuck” nasty Arab men and their nasty Arab hangups about women — it’s because they don’t like feminists. I’ve heard those news stories about Westerners in the Middle East who end up in jail for months or years just because they kiss in a public place, but I don’t believe it, because it that were true, Samantha would totally be, like, executed for what she does! So it can’t be true.
I guess really the whole point of the movie is for Big to learn how special Carrie is, because she happens to run into her old boyfriend Aidan in Abu Dhabi — I know! it’s like that one time I ran into my cousin at Bergdorf! Because earlier Carrie had told Big that they need to “work on the sparkle” in their relationship, and then along comes Aidan who tells Carrie how she’s not like any other woman! And it’s true, because Carrie wrote books about her sex life, which hardly anyone else does, but she can also talk about shoes and shopping. And then Big gives her some more bling, which is so romantic I could die. Because we all know that when Carrie said she wanted more sparkle in their relationship, that’s what she meant.