I’m “biast” (con): nothing
(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)
Five men with too much time and money on their hands share a luxury loft. They don’t live there: it’s their secret fuckpad for mistresses, hookers, one-night stands, whatever. It’s discreet and economical, is how the building’s architect, Vincent (Karl Urban: Walking with Dinosaurs), sells the idea to his pals, played by James Marsden (X-Men: Days of Future Past), Wentworth Miller (Resident Evil: Afterlife), Eric Stonestreet (Identity Thief), and Matthias Schoenaerts (Far from the Madding Crowd): no mysterious hotel charges on a credit card bill to accidentally inform the wives. Think of it as Zipcar for unfaithful assholes. Though if a dude has the sort of money to enable him to share expenses on a piece of real estate without his wife finding out, why not just get a credit card she doesn’t know about and use that for cheating?
Plausibility isn’t in the cards for this odious excuse for a thriller. The Loft is all about sexy danger, for sad, misogynistic, dude-centric values of “sexy danger.” There’s a dead blonde in the loft’s bed, and oh noes! if they don’t clean this up the right way, their ongoing sexytimes party is going to be ruined. Plus it must be one of them whodunnit, since only they five have keys. Someone broke the rules of their little club, and this will not do. This is where the movie starts, and we’re not, it seems, supposed to think badly of these men: all men are pigs, Vincent says cheerfully, though he might not phrase it quite that way; it’s just natural dude behavior to lie and cheat, and dead blondes are only an issue inasmuch as they threaten the lying and cheating. And this is only the tip of the iceberg of their sociopathy; they actually get worse from here. They are so not fun guys to spend an hour and 40 minutes with.
Director Erik Van Looy is remaking his own 2008 Belgian film, though why he would do such a thing is a complete mystery. Schoenaerts also appeared in that one, as the same character, who is really not so fascinating that I can imagine an actor being driven to portray him again in another language. I mean, this guy isn’t Hamlet or anything, though I suspect Van Looy thinks he is saying something deep and insightful about human nature as the five friends all turn on one another in an attempt to save their own hides. He isn’t.