Warcraft: The Beginning (aka Warcraft) movie review: guest review by a white male teenage nerd from 1987

Warcraft The Beginning red light

Like all Frazetta fantasy posters came to life all at once. A masterpiece of cinema that truly speaks to the interests of white male teenage nerds from 1987.tweet
I’m “biast” (pro): nothing

I’m “biast” (con): always worried about based-on-videogame movies

(what is this about? see my critic’s minifesto)

Warcraft is a masterpiece of cinema that truly speaks to me and my interests. It’s like all the Frank Frazetta fantasy posters on my bedroom walls came to life like all of them all at oncetweet with like orcs and human warriors and flying beasts and mages and interplanetary portals and there’s even elves and dwarves here though not that much. It’s like someone made a Lord of the Rings movie but left out all the boring stuff about what hobbits like to eat for breakfast and elves sitting around talking about politics and definitely all the stupid stuff about why evil is so bad. Like duh we know why evil is bad, it’s evil. And instead the guy who made the movie just filmed all the battles not just the war-type ones but the wizards throwing magical lightning and stuff around.

How much cooler could this be? None. None more cool.

Warcraft or Frazetta? You can’t tell the difference!
Warcraft or Frazetta? You can’t tell the difference!tweet

It’s great that Warcraft doesn’t waste any time either with like telling you who people are. Like we can tell the King is the King because he’s wearing a crown, but it doesn’t matter with everybody else. This movie doesn’t even really have like a main character so you don’t get bogged down with his stupid life story or anything like this. Like who cares if Frodo is tempted by the One Ring? What does that even mean? Yawn. I mean what is more important, that you know who everybody is and what they want out of life when they’re only going to get killed later anyway or is it better to spend time listening to people saying “Iron Forge” and “Stormwind” and “the Guardian is summoned” and “the magic is death to all things”? Which rocks more? I think you already know. Who cares what the Guardian is or what he does for a job or why the magic is death. It just is. You can tell because the movie is very serious about everything. Like no one makes any jokes. Except when they call guns “boomsticks” that sounds like it’s not even part of this movie like maybe it came from somewhere else that doesn’t quite match up with the serious feeling that Warcraft has. But that’s okay I guess.

The synopsis: Orcs are invading human lands because the orc place is dying because of magic or something. And the humans have to stop them. Also magicians are mostly bad.

When my band makes our album this is totally going to be the cover.
When my band makes our album this is totally going to be the cover.tweet

I like that Warcraft knows that even in a fantasy realm the world is run by white guystweet, so this gives me hope for the future. I may not be a jock or a brain but as long as I’m a white guy, I’ll be okay. I like when movies make me feel good like that. There’s this one scene where the King who is of course played by a white dude called Dominic Cooper and his army leader guy who is played by another white dude called Travis Fimmel are arguing about military tactics and there’s like a black guy and an Asian guy and maybe another not-white guy standing around listening, but they don’t get to talk. It’s like Yes you are men, you guys, but you’re not white, so you don’t get to be in charge or make decisions. That’s just the way it is. I mean let’s be realistic about this. Who would you trust to fight invading orcs from another dimension who are using magic against us? I think we all know the answer to that.

Naturally because this is a movie there’s pretty ladies here to look at, but they’re not like major characters or anything because they are mostly just there to support the men like in the real world. There’s the beautiful Queen who inspires soldiers and an orc wife who has a baby and gives the main orc guy something to fight for. This is important because men need something to fight for and also to know that someone will fuck him when he comes home. Of course there has to be one badass warrior babe, and she’s kinda hot cuz she’s green like that slave girl on Star Trek, and even though she’s half orc she’s still hot. Like her orc tusks aren’t gross or anything and you could still kiss her. It’s kinda weird though because mostly the orcs aren’t green, they have normal white skin, only a few orcs are green. But the hot orc chick is played by a black actress called Paula Patton so I think maybe this is like a racial commentary. Like even orcs have racism. Think about it.

There’s also a thing where a baby orc is put in a river like Moses which really makes you think. Also a lot of people have bare feet a lot of time which I think is meaningful but I’m not sure how yet. It’s symbolism. I will probably have to see Warcraft at least 10 times to figure it out.

I think I saw this in a music video by Queen once. It was awesome.
I think I saw this in a music video by Queen once. It was awesome.tweet

In conclusion, Warcraft is so totally freakin’ mint that I give it 19.5 sides of a 20-sided dicetweet. The only thing that might have made this movie even better is if Rush did the soundtrack. Though really Rush might be too deep for this so they might not be a good match. But it would awesome to try. I think when Warcraft comes out on VHS I will borrow it from the library and play it with the volume turned down and crank like “Distant Early Warning” and see how that works. It could be cool.

If you’re tempted to post a comment that resembles anything on the film review comment bingo card, please reconsider.
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