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biast | by maryann johanson

totally quotable: best. lines. ever, 2004 edition

Here, in one place, the most quotable movie lines of the year 2004. They’re not ranked — they’re all great. [Warning: May contain spoilers.]

[click here for the funniest bad snippets of dialogue from 2004]


“Only people from the Bronx care about the Oscars.”
–Sandra Dee (Kate Bosworth), Beyond the Sea

“I’ve never seen a bond-company stooge stick his neck out like that.”
–Steve Zissou (Bill Murray), The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

“There is of course no good time for the arrival of a notorious villain.”
–Lemony Snicket (Jude Law), Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

“I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.”
–Count Olaf (Jim Carrey), Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

“Just relax. Remember, if we don’t get this job, we’re dead.”
–Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) to Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon), Ocean’s Twelve

“You may have fooled everyone else in this backwater town, but you can’t fool me — I listen to public radio.”
–Squidward (Rodger Bumpass), The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

“No matter how many times you save the world, it gets back in jeopardy again.”
–Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson), The Incredibles

“If two mice were fucking in a nutshell, he’d find room to squeeze in and write about it.”
–the Duke of Buckingham (Ben Chaplin) on Samuel Pepys (Hugh Bonneville), the original blogger, Stage Beauty

“Whenever we’re about to do something horrible, we always say the French have been doing it for years.”
–some minister or other, Stage Beauty

“Bugger playwrights — can’t write for women. They’re all men, that’s the problem.”
–Julia Lambert (Annette Bening), Being Julia

“My family still observes the cocktail hour… with a vengeance.”
–Kate (Zooey Deschanel), Eulogy

“You’ve got red on you…”
–everyone to Shaun, Shaun of the Dead

“They were a bit… bitey.”
–Barbara (Penelope Wilton), on the zombies, Shaun of the Dead

“Why, Captain Crawley, are you trying to lead me to an indiscretion?” “Why? Would you like me to?”
–Becky Sharp (Reese Witherspoon) and Rawdon Crawley (James Purefoy), Vanity Fair

“A good pair of pajamas is a nice thing to have — a lot of people appreciate that.”
–Harbour (Adrian Rawlins), Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself

“Do we splash or do we stay still? C’mon — you’re the one who watches Shark Week!”
–Susan (Blanchard Ryan), Open Water

“I gotta see a guy about a nitrous tank.”
–Mark (Peter Sarsgaard), Garden State

“It’s a time machine, Napoleon — we bought it online.”
–Kip (Aaron Ruell), Napoleon Dynamite

“You killed him!” “No, I shot him. Bullets and the fall killed him.”
–Max (Jamie Foxx) and Vincent (Tom Cruise), Collateral

“How many cabbies get into an argument with you to save you money?” “Two. I had to kill the other one — I don’t like competition.”
–Annie (Jada Pinkett Smith) and Max (Jamie Foxx), Collateral

“This is a fuckin’ rock ’n’ roll band — I don’t want rules!”
–Lars Ulrich (as himself), Metallica: Some Kind of Monster

“You have a big pile of shit, Pamela, and you don’t have the shoes for it.”
–Ward Abbott (Brian Cox), The Bourne Supremacy

“If I were to believe in God, he’d have to be a song and dance man. He’d have to carry a tune — preferrably one of mine.”
–Cole Porter (Kevin Kline), De-Lovely

“It gets kinda itchy. Rides up in the crotch a little, too.”
–Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire), on his costume, Spider-Man 2

“A guy named Otto Octavius ends up with eight limbs — what are the odds?”
–J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons), Spider-Man 2

“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
–Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“The Ministry doesn’t send people to Azkaban for blowing up their aunt!”
–Cornelius Fudge (Robert Hardy), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

“This place is so retro, it might actually be cool if it were on purpose.”
–Sam Hall (Jake Gyllenhaal), The Day After Tomorrow

“I’m saving myself for marriage — by force if necessary.”
–Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore), Saved!

“In spite of living in what the Bible calls the End Times, my future was looking bright.”
–Mary (Jena Malone), Saved!

“Palms trees annoy the fuck out of me.”
–Steve Coogan (as himself), Coffee and Cigarettes

“You know the beauty of cigarettes is that now that I’ve quit… I can have one.”
–Tom Waits (as himself), Coffee and Cigarettes

“Fear me, if you dare!”
–Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas), Shrek 2

“War is young men dying and old men talking.”
–Odysseus (Sean Bean), Troy

“Don’t waste your life following some fool’s orders!”
–Achilles (Brad Pitt), Troy

“Technically speaking, the procedure is brain damage.”
–Dr. Howard Mierzwiak (Tom Wilkinson), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

“There are things that go bump in the night — and we are the ones who bump back.”
–Trevor “Broom” Bruttenholm (John Hurt), Hellboy

“If there’s trouble, all us freaks have is each other.”
–Abe Sapien (David Hyde-Pierce), Hellboy

“I was in the Stanley Kubrick musical, the one about the alcoholic pirates. I played Captain Morgan.”
–Albert T. Fitzgerald (Kevin Spacey), The United States of Leland

“We must have waffles forthwith.”
–Professor G.H. Dorr (Tom Hanks), The Ladykillers

“Has he killed other men?” “No… he used to box critics who gave me bad reviews.”
–Jean-Étienne Beaufort (Gérard Depardieu) and Viviane Denvers (Isabelle Adjani), Bon Voyage

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on the verge of doing Snoopy dances.”
–Mort Rainey (Johnny Depp), Secret Window

“You survived the sandstorm — Allah must have a more severe judgment in store for you.”
–Yusef (Harsh Nayyar), Hidalgo

“I promise, I’m not gonna kill Terrence again.”
–Reese Feldman (Vince Vaughn), Starsky & Hutch

“God is an imaginary friend for grownups.”
–Walter Crewes (Morgan Freeman), The Big Bounce


Looking back at 2004.
Also:
The Best and Worst Films of the Year
Best Performances
Best Writing and Direction
Best Production Design and Other Superlatives of the Year
The Funniest Bad Movie Lines
The Year of Activist Documentaries
2004 Films Ranked


posted in:
year in review

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