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maryann johanson, ruining movies since 1997

movie-related flash-fiction freebie: “Disney Dystopia”

This is NOT part of my ongoing, non-film-related flash-fiction project “(fictional) notes from The British Museum” — 25 (and counting) installments of which you can read by joining my Patreon for as little as $1 per month — but rather a standalone snack. You can encourage me to write more stuff like this by — you guessed it! — joining my Patreon. Writers like to eat, too.


Disney Dystopia

“Hey, so you wanna go to the disneys tonight?”

“Ugh, I dunno, I’m beat. Is there even anything good on? Hey, Alexa, what’s on at the Disneyplex?… Alexa?”

“Oh, hey, didn’t you hear? They bought out Amazon today. You have to call her Ariel now.”

“What? LOL! Okay. Hey, Ariel, what’s on at the Disneyplex?”

“Now playing at Disneyplex Sylvan Park Four: Home Alone: The Next Generation, at 7:10 and 9:50; Iron Woman 4, at 7:25 and 10:15; Toy Story 8: Woody’s Revenge, at 7:35 and 9:55; Skywalker Saga: The Journey Begins, at 7:45 and 10:15; and DisneyNature Presents The Littlest Glacier, in IMAX at 8:30 only. Now playing at Disneyplex Belle Meade Five: Indiana Jones and the Gutenberg Bible Adventure, at 7:05–”

“That’s enough, Ariel!”

“I hear the glacier one is a real heartbreaker…”

“Yeah, not sure I’m in the mood for that tonight. Maybe we can hang here and DisNetflix? I hear you can deepfake yourself into Alien this month. Wanna see the embryo burst of out my chest?”

“We’re still in the middle of bingeing Game of Gnomes…”

“I dunno, that seems to be going nowhere. We could start that Boba Fett–meets-Thor thing?”

“Oh, c’mon, since they made Boba a good guy it’s all gone downhill, doncha think?”

“I guess… Maybe I’ll just read. Hey, Kindle, what’s in my queue?”

“You have to call it Kanga now.”

“Goddammit…”

===

“And we are here LIVE on the red carpet of the all-star gala premiere of The Muppets on the Road Again for the Very First Time in London’s glamorous Leicester Square. It’s an exciting evening, isn’t it, Adaeze?”

“It sure is, Bob. I remember when all the so-called pundits–”

“Film Twitter.”

“That’s right, Bob. When Film Twitter said it couldn’t be done, that the beloved Muppets just wouldn’t work as Pixar CGI characters–”

“NO FELT, NO PEACE!”

“Haha, Adaeze, the protesters are out in force tonight, aren’t they?”

“They sure are, Bob. Oh look, here’s William Shatner, the voice of BOTH the Muppets lovable curmudgeons Statler and Waldorf. Mr. Shatner! How are you feeling tonight, at this momentous event?”

“I… thinkit’sjustgreat. Disney… isastunning… creative force… intheworldtoday.”

“They are truly bringing us entertainment visions that we never could have anticipated, aren’t they?”

“They… sureare… Bob. Andjustyouwait… to hear… what’s… coming next.”

===

PRESS RELEASE

EMBARGOED UNTIL TUESDAY MARCH 2 2027 9am DISNEY STANDARD TIME

After months of detailed negotiations and weeks of heated rumors, The Walt Disney Company is delighted to announce that its acquisition of Paramount Pictures from the newly bankrupt Viacom means that the Star Trek universe of movies, television series, comics, novels, videogames, and other entertainment properties beloved by millions around the world for their optimism and forward-looking attitude have now come under the umbrella of The Mouse.

“The Disney family is beyond thrilled to welcome the United Federation of Planets into our embrace,” said Disney chair Ivanka Trump, through a spokesperson, today in Burbank. “The crews of the Enterprise, the Discovery, Deep Space Nine, and all the rest are sure to live long and prosper under our care.”

Disney head of creative Joss Whedon was quick to shut down speculation that the multibillion-dollar corporation’s procurement of the franchise — launched by Gene Roddenberry in 1966 on the now-defunct NBC television network — meant that a “showdown” between it and Disney-owned Star Wars was in the offing.

“Of course fan culture has long been divided between fans of Wars and fans of Trek,” Whedon said. “But there is absolutely no truth to the suggestion that Disney will be creating crossover stories between the two properties pitting characters from each franchise against one another. That’s completely absurd.”

Disney stock rose on stock exchanges around the world on the news, reaching new highs on the NYSE and the Hang Seng…

===

Tweet:

Han Solo is totally gonna friggin’ kick Captain Kirk’s ass! You saw it here first!

Tweet:

You guys: Mirror Universe Rey. I’m just sayin’…”

Tweet:

Like, what if the Force was with baby Spock?

===

ONLINE PASSPORT RENEWAL

The new collaboration between the US Department of State and The Walt Disney Corporation requires you to choose a complementary avatar for your new US passport, to be displayed on the cover and to help you navigate customs and immigrations queues worldwide (participation pending in some countries).

PLEASE CHOOSE ONE. Your choice will be confirmed via online personality test results. With whom do you most identify?:

• Woody the Cowboy
• Princess Elsa
• Kermit the Frog
• Belle
• Luke Skywalker
• Lizzie McGuire
• Bruce Banner/The Hulk
• Minnie Mouse
• Darth Vader
• Snow White


posted in:
easter eggs | maryann rants

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