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maryann johanson, ruining movies since 1997

Twilight (review)

OMG! Best Movie Evar!


(for dreamy 12-year-old girls)

(for everyone else)

Wow, I feel like I so have to Twitter everyone in the world and tell them to See. This. Movie. And not just because Robert Pattinson is the best Edward there could ever be. (I never even heard of him before, it’s not like he’s superfamous like Zac Efron or anyone, but I hope he wins an Oscar now, he’s that cute!) Because it’s not like this is only for people who read Stephanie Meyer’s book of Twilight — although who didn’t! It’s like an actual grownup movie, all serious and important. Like you can tell how beautiful the vampires are supposed to be because everything gets slow and sparkly when they walk by — and I mean even when they’re not in sunlight LOL! (Edward looks amazing when he sparkles in the sunlight! I always thought that was very clever of the book writer to invent a whole new thing about vampires and why they don’t go in the sun.) Or sometimes when other important things are happening, everything gets slow and the music gets real loud and Edward looks like he’s gonna cry. Those are the best moments ever, because then it’s like the director can’t even move the camera from him, he’s that gorgeous. But the director is named Catherine Hardwicke, which is a girl’s name, and what else would you expect!
I’m so excited that it sounds like I’m talking real fast even though I’m writing, which is what happens when I’m really excited. I’ll try to slow down and explain things better.

Twilight is all about Bella, who is a junior in high school, so she’s pretty grownup already LOL! She’s smart and beautiful and super nice and everybody loves her at her new school in Forks, which is in Seattle-Washington, not White-House-Washington. She’s also really deep and thoughtful, which you can tell because she talks to us through the movie, like a voiceover, and tells us her feelings and explains things that are happening, which is really nice of her so we can keep up. It’s like you want to be her best friend, and you wish she was your best friend, because she’s so cool and perfect. She’s not even stuck up about being so pretty! (Bella is played by Kristin Stewart, who is also very pretty and I bet super nice too.) Her school is even better than the High School Musical school because even though in both schools it’s like a total fantasy that everybody is so nice to each other and everyone is everyone’s best friend, here it’s a serious grownup story and not just a bunch of nice kids singing and dancing, which is okay for little kids but not for more mature kids.

You can tell this is more grownup because of things like this. It’s clever, like how when Bella sees Edward in science class for the first time and discovers she has to be his lab partner, her hair blows around all dramatically and importantly, but there’s a fan behind her, so there’s like two things going on, like it’s not just a fancy thing the director did but it’s also, you know, really there in the room. And when Bella says in her voiceover, “Edward was a vampire,” it totally sounds like something from a Jane Austen book. That’s literature. Or when Bella says, “I planned to confront him and demand to know that his problem is,” you can see that she’s strong and complicated. And when Edward — who is the totally cute vampire teenager she meets at school, I forgot to say that — tells Bella, “We shouldn’t be friends,” it’s like it’s because they’re in different groups at school, the vampires and the regular kids. It’s like, with everyone else being so nice to each other, the vampires, who are not nice to all the regular kids, are like the mean kids in a real school. I can’t remember the word when something stands in for something else, but that a literature thing too.

Ooo, this word I remember: ironic. That’s when things are different than you expect, and it’s surprising and also makes a theme. Like how one regular kid who doesn’t know that Edward is a vampire says to Bella, “He looks at you like you’re something to eat.” But Edward doesn’t look at her like that, Edward would never do that because he’s like a vegetarian vampire who only drinks animal blood, not people blood. It’s ironic because Edward is supposed to be dangerous — he thinks he’s the “bad guy”! — but he isn’t at all! He says all romantic things to Bella like “Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin.” *sigh!* But Edward is not scary like other boys are who want to, you know, do stuff. I don’t mean in the movie — everyone is super nice to Bella! — but like, in RL. Edward can control himself like nice boys do, not like other boys with their “vile repulsive thoughts.” That is in the movie! But don’t worry, Edward rescues Bella from boys like that. He’s like a knight in shining armor. Maybe he’s a knight in sparkly armor LOL! Even though he’s a vampire. That’s deep.

It’s like so totally romantic and perfect! Edward is even the best lab partner ever — he knows all the answers to stupid biology questions so you can totally just let him do all the work. But it’s not like Bella is dumb. She uses Google to figure out all the stuff about Edward being a vampire. (Though I think everyone else in town and at the school might be a little stupid, because how could they not have figured out that all those weird but beautiful and very pale people are vampires LOL!) And it’s exotic, too, because Bella’s Indian friend Jacob is here too. He has Indian wisdom for her about vampires and stuff, and it’s so cool. Of course we all know what happens with Jacob in the next book and OMG the next movie please!


MPAA: rated PG-13 for some violence and a scene of sensuality

viewed at a semipublic screening with an audience of critics and ordinary moviegoers

official site | IMDb | trailer

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