Abduction (review)

Get new reviews in your email in-box or in an app by becoming a paid Substack subscriber or Patreon patron.

Taylor Lautner and Lily Collins in Abduction

Taylor Lautner Is Better Than You, So There

I’m so excited cuz it’s like Taylor Lautner made a movie just for Team Jacob! Except he’s not a werewolf or anything silly or fantasy like that — he’s a real teenager with real problems just like any of us have! Like with getting in trouble for drinking too much at a party and being shy around the girl he likes and being the secret child of top international spies. That’s deep because when he says he feels like a freak just the same way most kids do, it’s actually true! Cuz he has like super kung fu skills and stuff, which are genetic and also because his stepdad totally beats him up on a regular basis for his own good. Like it’s training that he could never know about because of all the secret CIA stuff and maybe he might tell other kids or something. And then he has to escape from bad guys.
But there’s not too much escaping and shooting and car chases and junk either in Abduction. I told you TayLau knew he was making an action movie for girls who like him in Twilight! Because there’s hardly any action at all, and also he takes his shirt off a lot. That’s not just gratefultooitous or whatever because there’s always a good reason, like he’s passed out drunk after that party, and people always end up naked at those sexy high school parties (well, maybe that part is fantasy!). Or he has to change his shirt so he’s not to stinky for Karen, the girl he likes. It’s nice that he’s thoughtful that way. And what’s really cool is that Lily Collins who plays Karen isn’t too exciting or interesting or anything, so it makes you think that maybe even though Taylor is a megahot movie star he might like ordinary boring girls too!

And it’s true that Taylor made this movie not just as an actor. He’s a producer or something too, so even though there’s a guy who wrote the script — “Shawn Christensen” sounds totally like that head cheerleader who’s a stuck-up bitch but he’s a guy — and a guy who directed it — John Singleton who also made 2 Fast 2 Furious which had too much action but also Paul Walker yum! — it’s really all Taylor’s doing. Like this is exactly what he wanted his first really big movie without Robert Pattinson getting in his way to be!

Life is actually pretty awesome when you’re the secret kid of spies, it turns out. First you get assigned to partner up for a school paper with the girl of your dreams you’re afraid to talk to. Then you get to rescue her when freelance Serbian intelligence operatives attack your house because they finally found out who you are or something. Then you get to hit the road with the girl and have adventures and get to kiss too. Sure, you have to watch your parents get killed in front of you, but it’s an amazing first date! LOL!

I really thought that Karen would turn out to be a secret enemy agent or something, or at least her mysterious uncle who she keeps talking about but we never see — until the end, right? But nope! Karen really is as regular and ordinary as she seems, and there’s not too much exciting or intense in anything… except when they kiss! OMG! The Serbian bad guys are a little bit scary, mostly cuz they can just bring all sorts of creepy spy stuff on planes into America so they can spy on anyone anywhere. Good thing this is just a movie, and in real life we have the TSA keeping us safe from enemies who hate our freedoms!

Mostly it’s a lot of Taylor standing around not moving his face or anything so that we can just look at him. I like that. And also real teen worrying about how weird life is. Like when Karen says, “A few days ago we were just a couple of highschool kids,” before Taylor’s house blew up and his parents were murdered and the Serbians got all in their faces. Also a car explodes later, but it’s way in the distance and not too exciting. But still in the middle of all this Karen wonders why Taylor never asked her out before. This is important because that’s what I’d be thinking about if I got the chance to hang out with Taylor Lautner! Later, they go to a baseball game, so it really is just like a big first date. And it’s like healing for Taylor too, cuz even though his adopted parents are dead he still really loved them, but his shrink Sigourney Weaver told him wisely “There’ll be time to deal with this eventually, but for now you need to get your shit together,” and he does! It must be his love for Karen that healed him, because by the end of the movie which is like the next day after his house blew up, everything’s okay again and life looks good.

That’s just the way it is when you’re as awesome as Taylor Lautner, so you can be jealous if you want. But you’ll never be as awesome as him.

share and enjoy
If you’re tempted to post a comment that resembles anything on the film review comment bingo card, please reconsider.
If you haven’t commented here before, your first comment will be held for MaryAnn’s approval. This is an anti-spam, anti-troll, anti-abuse measure. If your comment is not spam, trollish, or abusive, it will be approved, and all your future comments will post immediately. (Further comments may still be deleted if spammy, trollish, or abusive, and continued such behavior will get your account deleted and banned.)
notify of
newest most voted
Inline Feedbacks
view all comments
james steadman
james steadman
Thu, Dec 10, 2020 2:50am

Spot on satire, brilliant! I drooled over him in Tweelight, but this crap really froze up my syrup.

reply to  james steadman
Thu, Dec 10, 2020 3:24am

Like Beowulf, I’m just baffled that both Alfred Molina and Sigourney Weaver are in this. Actors gotta act I guess. Poor Taylor’s career seems to have frozen up even harder than your syrup.

After seeing The Lighthouse, I had to take Pattinson seriously – Lautner should produce and star in a low budget, ludicrous, Steven-Chow-esgue arthouse/indie kung fu flick. That’s a genre where his wooden-faced, shirtlessness can truly shine.

reply to  amanohyo
Thu, Dec 10, 2020 10:23am

When people write papers on the long-term effects of Trump’s response to the pandemic, they’ll have to add two: (1.) revitalized streaming video and (2.) revived Taylor Lautner’s career.